It’s finally here … #pipiLeaks

It’s finally here.  After months in the new product incubator, at the secret primatomma headquarter location, our newest feature is finally ready for public view.  Before the official unveiling, a note on further primaEnhancements:  Soon, your beloved site will see a complete functional redo.  Your favorite original content will continue to be our hallmark, calling out morons vs. role-models, sports heroes vs. goats, political triumphs vs. failures, fashion trends vs. “what are those?!”, musical genius vs. guitar hero wannabes…   Next, contributor feeds will factor prominently as we continue our work to enlighten you, our primaAudience, to the coolness that is your destiny.

Now for our newest feature; may we introduce you to #pipiLeaks.  What is it you may ask?  Well, pretty simple.  In forming an embryo, it takes two to tango.  And without getting too graphic, #pipiLeaks refers to the formation of such life by a mere trickle contribution from the male participant in the act.  For it’s the only logical explanation how that life can grow into such loser-ville.  Now this is not your garden variety toolshed who does something dopey that requires our outing … our #zIP protocol is ready and awaiting them. #pipiLeaks is more “Lifetime Achievement Award”, brought on by an action so deplorable that public shaming is not only warranted but justified.

lasner-ivanka-goldstein

Without further adieu, we announce the inaugural recipients of the not-so-coveted #pipiLeaks award to that power couple of power couples, Matthew Lasner and Dan Goldstein.  You know the story, Ivanka Trump decides to fly commercial along with her husband and three small children.  While boarding, these two rough and tumblers decide to excoriate Ivanka – in front of her children – for the perceived sins of her father. Regardless of your political leanings, this is about as pussified a move as possible.  The same would be said should Chelsea Clinton suffer a similar indignity.  Our only wish was being able to encounter these husbands on said flight.  Methinks the reaction would have been a tad less classy than Ivanka and family portrayed.

Now we realize these tool-sheds are easy pickings, but this is after all the standard bearer for #pipiLeaks.  And what better way to kick-off than with obvious political ideologues – a professor from Hunter College and a Brooklyn employment attorney.  Far be it for us to critique anyone’s political pronouncements but there’s a time and a place.  And when you step out of line, the tireless staff at primatomma will be there to bring your antics to light.

Lastly, we’d be remiss to not thank Fox News contributor Jesse Watters for calling out these ass-hats who are sure to be lauded as bastions of political disagreement by some deranged segment of our population.  Well done Mr. Watters … you are a primaJournalist!  Enjoy the video:

http://www.video.foxnews.com/v/5274397539001

 

 

 

 

 

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The Adulting School … Really?

adulting-school

prima’s, it’s time to call BS on millennial coddling.  Now primatomma has been resolute to avoid piling-on this much maligned group that has become easy fodder for lazy journalists producing trite, tired stories on our entitled young adults.  You know, those who came to adulthood in the aughts who have never known the merits of hard work, self reliance, and responsibility?  As children, they received participation trophies, merit badges, and were offered test “re-takes” whenever they dipped below their expected level of “excellence”.  Now, they are marked by entitlement, cavalier attitudes about earning promotions, and slovenly appearance.

Enter “The Adulting School” … http://theadultingschool.com.  A brilliant, if not ridiculous offering for our precious new adults who need some help with basic adult things.  Really?  Look, primatomma  has no problem with co-founders Rachel Weinstein and Katie Brunelle; kudos to them for the idea and pocketing some greenbacks.  Obviously that amount of initiative and  ingenuity makes them the anti-millenial.  But for the students???  Come on man!

Look, we get it.  Your parents sucked because they were too busy screwing around with the neighbors, blowing lines, or pawning you off on your illegal immigrant nanny who was more interested in her daytime drama than teaching you how to make your own peanut butter and jelly.  But aren’t you the tiniest bit embarrassed that you can’t learn this shit on your own?

Though not worth of a prima-rating, have a laugh by taking the “Adulting Quiz”:  rachel432.typeform.com/to/tCDn6E.  Then go check your car tire pressure when done.  And be happy your not a #zip.

#ZIP … Making prima’s great again!

Welcome to our newest feature … ZIP!  What does it mean you ask?  From the Kings of Kool, the Purveyors of Platitudes, the Sultans of Swag … we are proud to announce “ZEROs IN PUBLIC“!

On the eve of tomorrow’s historic presidential election, the campaigns have made one thing abundetly clear:  Be careful how you act lest be held to account later.  In that spirit, the tireless staff of #primatomma has devoted to the cause of making life better NOW.  We are calling out anti-prima behavior as it happens so you, our valued primareaders, can enjoy life with as little disruption as possible caused by such toolsheds .  At the very least it will be fun to point out douches doing douchey things!

So send in your submissions and help change the world, calling out one ZIP at a time.

Our inaugeral ZIP goes to this peach of a coed hanging at the Selwyn Pub in the Myers Park neighborhood of Charlotte, NC (great little dive bar, btw).  After the “bucket ‘o beers” special expired, she was exasperated by that fact that she would now have to pay $3 more for her beloved 6 PBR’s in a can!  The horror!!!

Congrats to our favorite Clemson Crony – keep on keepin’ on!

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