It’s finally here … #pipiLeaks

It’s finally here.  After months in the new product incubator, at the secret primatomma headquarter location, our newest feature is finally ready for public view.  Before the official unveiling, a note on further primaEnhancements:  Soon, your beloved site will see a complete functional redo.  Your favorite original content will continue to be our hallmark, calling out morons vs. role-models, sports heroes vs. goats, political triumphs vs. failures, fashion trends vs. “what are those?!”, musical genius vs. guitar hero wannabes…   Next, contributor feeds will factor prominently as we continue our work to enlighten you, our primaAudience, to the coolness that is your destiny.

Now for our newest feature; may we introduce you to #pipiLeaks.  What is it you may ask?  Well, pretty simple.  In forming an embryo, it takes two to tango.  And without getting too graphic, #pipiLeaks refers to the formation of such life by a mere trickle contribution from the male participant in the act.  For it’s the only logical explanation how that life can grow into such loser-ville.  Now this is not your garden variety toolshed who does something dopey that requires our outing … our #zIP protocol is ready and awaiting them. #pipiLeaks is more “Lifetime Achievement Award”, brought on by an action so deplorable that public shaming is not only warranted but justified.

lasner-ivanka-goldstein

Without further adieu, we announce the inaugural recipients of the not-so-coveted #pipiLeaks award to that power couple of power couples, Matthew Lasner and Dan Goldstein.  You know the story, Ivanka Trump decides to fly commercial along with her husband and three small children.  While boarding, these two rough and tumblers decide to excoriate Ivanka – in front of her children – for the perceived sins of her father. Regardless of your political leanings, this is about as pussified a move as possible.  The same would be said should Chelsea Clinton suffer a similar indignity.  Our only wish was being able to encounter these husbands on said flight.  Methinks the reaction would have been a tad less classy than Ivanka and family portrayed.

Now we realize these tool-sheds are easy pickings, but this is after all the standard bearer for #pipiLeaks.  And what better way to kick-off than with obvious political ideologues – a professor from Hunter College and a Brooklyn employment attorney.  Far be it for us to critique anyone’s political pronouncements but there’s a time and a place.  And when you step out of line, the tireless staff at primatomma will be there to bring your antics to light.

Lastly, we’d be remiss to not thank Fox News contributor Jesse Watters for calling out these ass-hats who are sure to be lauded as bastions of political disagreement by some deranged segment of our population.  Well done Mr. Watters … you are a primaJournalist!  Enjoy the video:

http://www.video.foxnews.com/v/5274397539001

 

 

 

 

 

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Holiday Party F*&^-ups

 

Tis the season for parties galore.  The age-old office party with Stan from Accounting becoming Stan from “The Hangover”, the neighborhood party where you may as well just visit your closest neighbor as that’s the only person you talk to, and the granddaddy of them all – the extended family gift exchange party.  Only that we don’t really exchange gifts all that much anymore since we barely know our families.   Rather, we blindly draw from a hat who to shower some Christmas love upon via $50 Amazon gift card.

Oh the joy.  Well, we here at primatomma aim to help you meander through this holiday merriment.  Some pointers, covering both party-goers and party-throwers:

  • If you throw a party, for the love of all that is sacred, PLEASE serve decent wine.  Now we don’t expect Caymus or Opus One, but anything sub $10/bottle is just not acceptable.  If you’re not a oenophile, fine; just ask the store what to buy.  Unless you’re still in a fraternity, the hunk of cheese you buy for the app tray shouldn’t exceed the cost of the vino.  (Note:  Not sure if you’re guilty of said infraction?  Count the number of half-filled glasses during your party post-mortem.)
  • Put the phone away.  You would think that we’re talking to teenagers, but cell phone creep is slipping into adulthood.  If you’re staring down at your latest i-whatever, don’t blame us for not talking to you!
  • Have a theme/purpose for getting together.  Over the holidays, you’re in luck:  Between football games, the aforementioned gift exchange, etc., you should have a baked-in reason for the gathering.  Nothing worse than a ‘party’ where upon arrival, all you have is crappy wine and people staring at their phones.  Have a reason for us to at least pretend to want to be together with some possible conversation topic other than “how’s work?”.
  • If I’m serving you food, stay the hell out of my kitchen.  That’s right, I invited you to serve your ass and make you happy.  Just because you have the patent on gravy ingredients doesn’t mean mine is going to suck.  Tip: If you want your gravy served, have your own damn party!
  • Make sure everyone is properly introduced.  What’s worse than attending a party where you only know the hosts and there’s no introduction to the rest?  Hosts:  make some introductions.  Guests who know everyone:  Get your face out of your phone and say hello, shake a hand, bow, or whatever shit you may do to make someone feel welcomed.

So there you have it.  Quick summary for enjoyable parties:  Decent wine –  phones away – have a theme – stay out of my kitchen! – make introductions.  Do these things and, voila, instant party success!

Almost forgot … you may be wondering, “Why the photo of Kim K along with a pastry at the top, primatomma?”  Silly primaReader, you don’t recognize Santa’s famous greeting???

“HO – HO – HO!”

#ZIP … Vanity Plates

OK, this seriously needs to be addressed.  What is the mindset behind owners of vanity license plates?  We suggest a new definition for “1 Per Centers”:  The number of vanity plates that are either 1) witty, or 2) understandable.  16734

Exhibit 1:  “Budees” … really???  primaPologies to any with sentimental ties to their intended message (likely their dead cat’s name).  Methinks this dude is not rolling out to ‘da club anytime soon.  And then doubling down with the Christmas wreath and flames???  This broseph is cruising straight to loserville.

Exhibit 2:  Not to be outdone, check out this fine example of a plate that is sure to clearly convey the driver’s message while zipping along at 60 mph:

img_20161127_163923248-3

“UHOTM8″… what the f*%k?!  OK, we’ll play along.  I wondered if the operator’s identity would help to decipher the message?  Speeding ahead, we observed a younger, ethnic male driver – millennial age for sure.  So here we go:

  • “You Hot Mate?”  Perhaps our driver is looking for a new boyfriend?
  • “You Hot Mate!”  Our driver is passing along a compliment … but only to other dudes?
  • “You Ho Tomate”  No idea.
  • “Uh Oh Team 8”   Feeling of exasperation if Alex Ovechkin’s (#8) Washington Capitals go on a losing streak?

Feel free to add your best guess as we have no idea.  But what we do know is this:  Stay away from the vanity plates – if you’re not in the 1%, you’re going to be a ZIP for sure.  And for the love of god, please don’t decorate your car with Christmas wreaths, reindeer antlers, flame decals, or … and you loyal primaReaders know whats next … FAMILY STICK FIGURES!  If so, YOU ARE A ZIP!!!!

 

 

#ZIP: NFL Jersey Swaps

This has got to end … and quickly!  Look, we get it; free agency in sports has caused all of our favorite gladiators to become ‘boys.  Problem is this is happening both off and ON the field.  Couple that with wussification rules across the board and it’s no wonder that we yearn for the battles of yesteryear.

Never again will we see the great Larry Bird and Dr. J throwing hands at each other or Chuck Bednarik standing over Frank Gifford saying “this fucking game is OVER” (and not coincidentally Mr. Kathy Lee’s playing career as well).  Instead, we get the love-fest shown below.  After a very hard hitting and emotional game last night, the Cowboy fans are treated to this???!!  Look,  primatomma realizes this is commonplace in soccer, but what’s next?  Feigning injuries like futbol’s “warriors” so as to induce a red card?  (Or is it green card?  Having a hard time finding any soccer fans in the office).

After spending $100 on tickets, $50 on parking, and $200 on concessions, you’d think our vitriol for the enemy would be shared by those pocketing our cash.  It’s not.  So wise up and realize these guys are mostly making business decisions.  The more they cozy up off the field the less likely they’ll be hammered on the field.  And that sucks for all of us.

Zeke Elliott and OBJ, for continuing this annoying jersey swap trend, you two are now primatomma #ZIP award recipients.

 

zekeobj

’tis the Season … for primaSongs!

Let’s face it, Christmas songs suck.  (Editors note:  Yes, we said Christmas.  It’s not to say that we don’t respect your holiday, but we’re writing from a perspective of our experience, which is to say ‘Christmas’.  Therefore, keep your sniveling to a minimum about what YOU celebrate. The point will be the same, OK?  Now back to our regularly scheduled content.)  When the most innovative song is a “Little Drummer Boy” duet between androgynous rocker David Bowie and crooner Bing Crosby … in 1977 … well, Houston, we have a problem.

Fear not primaFaithful, for we have the cure to your yuletide blues.  Check out this melodic a cappella treatment of the 12 Days of Christmas from “Straight No Chaser” – just be sure to stay with it until halfway through where they make quite an unexpected transition:

Better yet are the kick-ass offerings of Trans-Siberian Orchestra.  The primaStaff saw these animals perform a couple of years ago and whether you be of the Christian Christmas variety, atheist variety, garden variety, or just like hard rock bands that test the limits of the eardrum with mind blowing lasers, this show is a must-see:

 

primaRating.  Congrats both Straight No Chaser and Trans-Siberian Orchestra, you both are primaAwesome:  ppp

 

 

Coach Jeff Walz – primaTruth!

Louisville Women Basketball Coach Jeff Walz hit the nail on the head.  Following the Lady Cardinals second loss in a row, he waxed poetic about the sorry state of our youth.  It’s obvious that our mommies, daddies, teachers, and coaches haven’t learned the lessons of our millennial child rearing:  We continue to produce legions of pussies.

To Coach Walz for telling it as it is, your primaRating:  ppp

(Drops to pp if you lose 3 in a row!)

The Adulting School … Really?

adulting-school

prima’s, it’s time to call BS on millennial coddling.  Now primatomma has been resolute to avoid piling-on this much maligned group that has become easy fodder for lazy journalists producing trite, tired stories on our entitled young adults.  You know, those who came to adulthood in the aughts who have never known the merits of hard work, self reliance, and responsibility?  As children, they received participation trophies, merit badges, and were offered test “re-takes” whenever they dipped below their expected level of “excellence”.  Now, they are marked by entitlement, cavalier attitudes about earning promotions, and slovenly appearance.

Enter “The Adulting School” … http://theadultingschool.com.  A brilliant, if not ridiculous offering for our precious new adults who need some help with basic adult things.  Really?  Look, primatomma  has no problem with co-founders Rachel Weinstein and Katie Brunelle; kudos to them for the idea and pocketing some greenbacks.  Obviously that amount of initiative and  ingenuity makes them the anti-millenial.  But for the students???  Come on man!

Look, we get it.  Your parents sucked because they were too busy screwing around with the neighbors, blowing lines, or pawning you off on your illegal immigrant nanny who was more interested in her daytime drama than teaching you how to make your own peanut butter and jelly.  But aren’t you the tiniest bit embarrassed that you can’t learn this shit on your own?

Though not worth of a prima-rating, have a laugh by taking the “Adulting Quiz”:  rachel432.typeform.com/to/tCDn6E.  Then go check your car tire pressure when done.  And be happy your not a #zip.

#ZIP … Making prima’s great again!

Welcome to our newest feature … ZIP!  What does it mean you ask?  From the Kings of Kool, the Purveyors of Platitudes, the Sultans of Swag … we are proud to announce “ZEROs IN PUBLIC“!

On the eve of tomorrow’s historic presidential election, the campaigns have made one thing abundetly clear:  Be careful how you act lest be held to account later.  In that spirit, the tireless staff of #primatomma has devoted to the cause of making life better NOW.  We are calling out anti-prima behavior as it happens so you, our valued primareaders, can enjoy life with as little disruption as possible caused by such toolsheds .  At the very least it will be fun to point out douches doing douchey things!

So send in your submissions and help change the world, calling out one ZIP at a time.

Our inaugeral ZIP goes to this peach of a coed hanging at the Selwyn Pub in the Myers Park neighborhood of Charlotte, NC (great little dive bar, btw).  After the “bucket ‘o beers” special expired, she was exasperated by that fact that she would now have to pay $3 more for her beloved 6 PBR’s in a can!  The horror!!!

Congrats to our favorite Clemson Crony – keep on keepin’ on!

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10 Things We Hate … And You Should Too

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The summer is over primas, and we’re back and better than ever … pointing out everything you must experience as well as what you need avoid to make the most of this one-way ticket through life (apologies to the Scientologists – not really).  What better way to shake off the haze of sabbatical than a kick-ass list of the crap we hate and what any God-fearing, red meat-eating, fitness-seeking, flag-loving, chest-thumping, sexual-healing prima should as well.

Without further adieu, here’s the damn list:

10.  Dopes that don’t use turn signals.  Trivial, maybe.  Annoying as fuck?  YES!  Is the little stick to the left of your steering wheel THAT much of a trouble to flip up or down when you’re changing lanes or turning?  Considering you’re the same idiot who is texting, putting on make-up, or reaching around for your car charger, I guess letting folks know that you’re about to possibly end their life is too much to expect.  Guess what – you suck.  Next time I’m sitting at a red light, waiting to turn right, looking to my left seeing you approach and I wait and wait assuming you’re going straight only to see your dumb ass turn thereby wasting my time, I will follow you to the high heavens, take a pic of your license plate, and post here so that every prima on the planet starts giving you the 1 finger salute.

9.  Movie Trailers.  Here’s the deal… can we leave something to be seen during the actual MOVIE?!  Good God, every, and I mean EVERY good scene from any current movie is completely pimped out in the trailer.  Maybe it’s always been that way, but dammit Hollywood, this ain’t the ’80s anymore where we only see a 30 second commercial for Platoon while watching the Cosby Show.  (Side bar:  that show would be a lot more interesting now.)  Advice to the movie industry:  Change your damn marketing or Reality TV it is!

8.  People who don’t stay within the medium.  This is very important, but am going to whisper this so you don’t feel the loser you are.  So come closer to make sure you hear… closer… closer… almost here… just a smidge more:  When someone emails you, answer them in email.  If they call you, call them back.  If they text you, answer via text.  There’s almost nothing worse than texting someone – likely because you’re busy and can’t talk, or more likely, you don’t want to talk – and 20 seconds later your phone rings.  I mean WTF?!  Can’t you morons take a hint?

7.  People who don’t answer the full email.  Keeping with the spirit of #8, if you are engaged in an email conversation and are asked a series of questions, is it that hard to answer all of them?  Or at least acknowledge those you don’t, that you’ll provide those answers later as you may not have the answers at the moment?  Is there anything worse than having to ask questions multiple times because the lazy m-fer on the other side is too busy Snapping to answer a 2 f’ing question email?!

6.  Cell Phone Nazis.  You know the type, dominated by iPhone zombies.  “YOU MUST BUY iPHONE, YOU MUST BUY iPHONE…”  These people need a shot of penicillin.  It’s like Steve Jobs has become L. Ron Hubbard. Forming an entire corp of blind loyalists who will do anything to recruit others to their oddball devotion to Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy that scares the shit out of Scientologists (we’re oddly infatuated by those lunatics).  How about this cell phone Nazi’s:  If my phone sucks for your purposes, maybe you’re not that important
to me?  Burned!iphone-5-no-thanks

5.  Baseball managers wearing uniforms.  Quaint, throwback to yesteryear, nostalgic … DONE WITH IT!  There was a time when it was utilitarian; many eons ago, the managers were also players.  That ended before baseball games were televised (sorry, don’t give me Pete Rose – that was only to help him cover the -1.5 spread).  From a prima perspective, ENOUGH!  Even though the portly Tommy Lasorda, Charlie Manual, and Bobby Cox have been replaced by the P90X generation of Robin Ventura, Brad Ausmus, and Paul Molitor, y’all look RIDICULOUS in those damn baseball pants.  Can’t we move to athletic pants and golf shirts or something a bit more age/body appropriate?  Or we propose:
harbaugh

Just kidding.

4.  People with no Sense of Urgency.  You know them – the Sunday strolling, stop and smell the roses types.  No time for you!  The elderly or very young notwithstanding, if you are moving at a snail’s pace, be prepared to be run over.  And most of you dolts LOVE to cruise in the left lane, going the speed limit.  Nothing pisses primas off more than you clogging up the passing lane.  Clue to you:  When 50 cars blow by you on the right, it may be time to get out of the left.

3.  Wine Specials.  You’re at a restaurant that you don’t frequent often, and inevitably the server makes a suggestion from the Sommelier (even though you know they don’t have a Sommelier) for an amazing, difficult-to-find Bordeaux, on special for just $65.  Little did you know that the “special” is not discounted down from $99, but rather inflated UP from $9.99.  And it’s difficult to find because it’s on the bottom shelf at the wine store with all the other shit wines.  Do yourself a favor, download the free Vivino app and look up said “special” right in front of the server.  Then enjoy his/her face when you reveal the retail cost of the vinegar they’re trying to sell you.  One of the primatomma staff’s favorite activities!

vivino

2.  Hotel Internet Fees.  Is this really anything other than a cash grab any longer?  Isn’t it enough that you’re sticking me with a $50 valet fee and $10 bottles of water?  Do us all a solid and just give us web access for ‘free’ … which is a misnomer as you’ll bake it into the nightly rate anyway.  We’ll even play your game and “register” with our email address so you can spam the shit out of us with all of your special offers … which is a waste of time because we’re all booking through hotels.com or some other travel site anyway.

1. Toolsheds who Display Stick Figures on their Cars.  Even though NO bumper sticker, window sticker, magnet, etc. are prima, the stick figures have got to be the all time WORST. OK, the first one or two were a little clever, but nobody cares how many effing kids you have.  Or that you visit OBX or OC or IRL.  And we certainly don’t give a rip if you ran the full 26.2 or 13.1 – you’re equally annoying.  So please save us the aggravation of being forced to view your life through pictures as you drive 40mph in a 55 zone… IN THE LEFT DAMN LANE!

stick-figures

What say you, prima readers?  Tell us what annoys you most and see if you can crack the top 10 in our next edition.