#ZIP: NFL Jersey Swaps

This has got to end … and quickly!  Look, we get it; free agency in sports has caused all of our favorite gladiators to become ‘boys.  Problem is this is happening both off and ON the field.  Couple that with wussification rules across the board and it’s no wonder that we yearn for the battles of yesteryear.

Never again will we see the great Larry Bird and Dr. J throwing hands at each other or Chuck Bednarik standing over Frank Gifford saying “this fucking game is OVER” (and not coincidentally Mr. Kathy Lee’s playing career as well).  Instead, we get the love-fest shown below.  After a very hard hitting and emotional game last night, the Cowboy fans are treated to this???!!  Look,  primatomma realizes this is commonplace in soccer, but what’s next?  Feigning injuries like futbol’s “warriors” so as to induce a red card?  (Or is it green card?  Having a hard time finding any soccer fans in the office).

After spending $100 on tickets, $50 on parking, and $200 on concessions, you’d think our vitriol for the enemy would be shared by those pocketing our cash.  It’s not.  So wise up and realize these guys are mostly making business decisions.  The more they cozy up off the field the less likely they’ll be hammered on the field.  And that sucks for all of us.

Zeke Elliott and OBJ, for continuing this annoying jersey swap trend, you two are now primatomma #ZIP award recipients.

 

zekeobj

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’tis the Season … for primaSongs!

Let’s face it, Christmas songs suck.  (Editors note:  Yes, we said Christmas.  It’s not to say that we don’t respect your holiday, but we’re writing from a perspective of our experience, which is to say ‘Christmas’.  Therefore, keep your sniveling to a minimum about what YOU celebrate. The point will be the same, OK?  Now back to our regularly scheduled content.)  When the most innovative song is a “Little Drummer Boy” duet between androgynous rocker David Bowie and crooner Bing Crosby … in 1977 … well, Houston, we have a problem.

Fear not primaFaithful, for we have the cure to your yuletide blues.  Check out this melodic a cappella treatment of the 12 Days of Christmas from “Straight No Chaser” – just be sure to stay with it until halfway through where they make quite an unexpected transition:

Better yet are the kick-ass offerings of Trans-Siberian Orchestra.  The primaStaff saw these animals perform a couple of years ago and whether you be of the Christian Christmas variety, atheist variety, garden variety, or just like hard rock bands that test the limits of the eardrum with mind blowing lasers, this show is a must-see:

 

primaRating.  Congrats both Straight No Chaser and Trans-Siberian Orchestra, you both are primaAwesome:  ppp

 

 

Coach Jeff Walz – primaTruth!

Louisville Women Basketball Coach Jeff Walz hit the nail on the head.  Following the Lady Cardinals second loss in a row, he waxed poetic about the sorry state of our youth.  It’s obvious that our mommies, daddies, teachers, and coaches haven’t learned the lessons of our millennial child rearing:  We continue to produce legions of pussies.

To Coach Walz for telling it as it is, your primaRating:  ppp

(Drops to pp if you lose 3 in a row!)

The Adulting School … Really?

adulting-school

prima’s, it’s time to call BS on millennial coddling.  Now primatomma has been resolute to avoid piling-on this much maligned group that has become easy fodder for lazy journalists producing trite, tired stories on our entitled young adults.  You know, those who came to adulthood in the aughts who have never known the merits of hard work, self reliance, and responsibility?  As children, they received participation trophies, merit badges, and were offered test “re-takes” whenever they dipped below their expected level of “excellence”.  Now, they are marked by entitlement, cavalier attitudes about earning promotions, and slovenly appearance.

Enter “The Adulting School” … http://theadultingschool.com.  A brilliant, if not ridiculous offering for our precious new adults who need some help with basic adult things.  Really?  Look, primatomma  has no problem with co-founders Rachel Weinstein and Katie Brunelle; kudos to them for the idea and pocketing some greenbacks.  Obviously that amount of initiative and  ingenuity makes them the anti-millenial.  But for the students???  Come on man!

Look, we get it.  Your parents sucked because they were too busy screwing around with the neighbors, blowing lines, or pawning you off on your illegal immigrant nanny who was more interested in her daytime drama than teaching you how to make your own peanut butter and jelly.  But aren’t you the tiniest bit embarrassed that you can’t learn this shit on your own?

Though not worth of a prima-rating, have a laugh by taking the “Adulting Quiz”:  rachel432.typeform.com/to/tCDn6E.  Then go check your car tire pressure when done.  And be happy your not a #zip.

#ZIP … Making prima’s great again!

Welcome to our newest feature … ZIP!  What does it mean you ask?  From the Kings of Kool, the Purveyors of Platitudes, the Sultans of Swag … we are proud to announce “ZEROs IN PUBLIC“!

On the eve of tomorrow’s historic presidential election, the campaigns have made one thing abundetly clear:  Be careful how you act lest be held to account later.  In that spirit, the tireless staff of #primatomma has devoted to the cause of making life better NOW.  We are calling out anti-prima behavior as it happens so you, our valued primareaders, can enjoy life with as little disruption as possible caused by such toolsheds .  At the very least it will be fun to point out douches doing douchey things!

So send in your submissions and help change the world, calling out one ZIP at a time.

Our inaugeral ZIP goes to this peach of a coed hanging at the Selwyn Pub in the Myers Park neighborhood of Charlotte, NC (great little dive bar, btw).  After the “bucket ‘o beers” special expired, she was exasperated by that fact that she would now have to pay $3 more for her beloved 6 PBR’s in a can!  The horror!!!

Congrats to our favorite Clemson Crony – keep on keepin’ on!

9186

10 Things We Hate … And You Should Too

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The summer is over primas, and we’re back and better than ever … pointing out everything you must experience as well as what you need avoid to make the most of this one-way ticket through life (apologies to the Scientologists – not really).  What better way to shake off the haze of sabbatical than a kick-ass list of the crap we hate and what any God-fearing, red meat-eating, fitness-seeking, flag-loving, chest-thumping, sexual-healing prima should as well.

Without further adieu, here’s the damn list:

10.  Dopes that don’t use turn signals.  Trivial, maybe.  Annoying as fuck?  YES!  Is the little stick to the left of your steering wheel THAT much of a trouble to flip up or down when you’re changing lanes or turning?  Considering you’re the same idiot who is texting, putting on make-up, or reaching around for your car charger, I guess letting folks know that you’re about to possibly end their life is too much to expect.  Guess what – you suck.  Next time I’m sitting at a red light, waiting to turn right, looking to my left seeing you approach and I wait and wait assuming you’re going straight only to see your dumb ass turn thereby wasting my time, I will follow you to the high heavens, take a pic of your license plate, and post here so that every prima on the planet starts giving you the 1 finger salute.

9.  Movie Trailers.  Here’s the deal… can we leave something to be seen during the actual MOVIE?!  Good God, every, and I mean EVERY good scene from any current movie is completely pimped out in the trailer.  Maybe it’s always been that way, but dammit Hollywood, this ain’t the ’80s anymore where we only see a 30 second commercial for Platoon while watching the Cosby Show.  (Side bar:  that show would be a lot more interesting now.)  Advice to the movie industry:  Change your damn marketing or Reality TV it is!

8.  People who don’t stay within the medium.  This is very important, but am going to whisper this so you don’t feel the loser you are.  So come closer to make sure you hear… closer… closer… almost here… just a smidge more:  When someone emails you, answer them in email.  If they call you, call them back.  If they text you, answer via text.  There’s almost nothing worse than texting someone – likely because you’re busy and can’t talk, or more likely, you don’t want to talk – and 20 seconds later your phone rings.  I mean WTF?!  Can’t you morons take a hint?

7.  People who don’t answer the full email.  Keeping with the spirit of #8, if you are engaged in an email conversation and are asked a series of questions, is it that hard to answer all of them?  Or at least acknowledge those you don’t, that you’ll provide those answers later as you may not have the answers at the moment?  Is there anything worse than having to ask questions multiple times because the lazy m-fer on the other side is too busy Snapping to answer a 2 f’ing question email?!

6.  Cell Phone Nazis.  You know the type, dominated by iPhone zombies.  “YOU MUST BUY iPHONE, YOU MUST BUY iPHONE…”  These people need a shot of penicillin.  It’s like Steve Jobs has become L. Ron Hubbard. Forming an entire corp of blind loyalists who will do anything to recruit others to their oddball devotion to Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy that scares the shit out of Scientologists (we’re oddly infatuated by those lunatics).  How about this cell phone Nazi’s:  If my phone sucks for your purposes, maybe you’re not that important
to me?  Burned!iphone-5-no-thanks

5.  Baseball managers wearing uniforms.  Quaint, throwback to yesteryear, nostalgic … DONE WITH IT!  There was a time when it was utilitarian; many eons ago, the managers were also players.  That ended before baseball games were televised (sorry, don’t give me Pete Rose – that was only to help him cover the -1.5 spread).  From a prima perspective, ENOUGH!  Even though the portly Tommy Lasorda, Charlie Manual, and Bobby Cox have been replaced by the P90X generation of Robin Ventura, Brad Ausmus, and Paul Molitor, y’all look RIDICULOUS in those damn baseball pants.  Can’t we move to athletic pants and golf shirts or something a bit more age/body appropriate?  Or we propose:
harbaugh

Just kidding.

4.  People with no Sense of Urgency.  You know them – the Sunday strolling, stop and smell the roses types.  No time for you!  The elderly or very young notwithstanding, if you are moving at a snail’s pace, be prepared to be run over.  And most of you dolts LOVE to cruise in the left lane, going the speed limit.  Nothing pisses primas off more than you clogging up the passing lane.  Clue to you:  When 50 cars blow by you on the right, it may be time to get out of the left.

3.  Wine Specials.  You’re at a restaurant that you don’t frequent often, and inevitably the server makes a suggestion from the Sommelier (even though you know they don’t have a Sommelier) for an amazing, difficult-to-find Bordeaux, on special for just $65.  Little did you know that the “special” is not discounted down from $99, but rather inflated UP from $9.99.  And it’s difficult to find because it’s on the bottom shelf at the wine store with all the other shit wines.  Do yourself a favor, download the free Vivino app and look up said “special” right in front of the server.  Then enjoy his/her face when you reveal the retail cost of the vinegar they’re trying to sell you.  One of the primatomma staff’s favorite activities!

vivino

2.  Hotel Internet Fees.  Is this really anything other than a cash grab any longer?  Isn’t it enough that you’re sticking me with a $50 valet fee and $10 bottles of water?  Do us all a solid and just give us web access for ‘free’ … which is a misnomer as you’ll bake it into the nightly rate anyway.  We’ll even play your game and “register” with our email address so you can spam the shit out of us with all of your special offers … which is a waste of time because we’re all booking through hotels.com or some other travel site anyway.

1. Toolsheds who Display Stick Figures on their Cars.  Even though NO bumper sticker, window sticker, magnet, etc. are prima, the stick figures have got to be the all time WORST. OK, the first one or two were a little clever, but nobody cares how many effing kids you have.  Or that you visit OBX or OC or IRL.  And we certainly don’t give a rip if you ran the full 26.2 or 13.1 – you’re equally annoying.  So please save us the aggravation of being forced to view your life through pictures as you drive 40mph in a 55 zone… IN THE LEFT DAMN LANE!

stick-figures

What say you, prima readers?  Tell us what annoys you most and see if you can crack the top 10 in our next edition.

Revved up for RPM – DC

RPMItalian_Interior-2817-Edit-1.jpg

The primatomma staff took to the streets of DC last night – Mt. Vernon neighborhood – to review a modern take on classic Italian dishes, RPM Italian.  The off-shoot of Chicago’s versions by the same name (both “Steak” and “Italian” options there), we aimed to see if celebrity couple Bill & Giuliana Rancic and partners could replicate their successful Chicago concepts with the finicky DC crowd.

Located at 601 Massachusetts Ave, NW, near the Marriott Marquis and Convention Center, we knew parking would be an issue.  No problem, valet parking available!  Problem, $12 per car!!!  Not off to the best start.  You want me to pay for a top dollar dining experience AND milk me for parking?  Non buono, RPM!  I’d rather tip the valet workers that amount – they need it a hell of a lot more considering your charge of $25 per pour of Red Breast that sells for $65/bottle at the ABC Store.

Once inside, the beautiful people were only surpassed by the beautiful decor.  (Disclaimer:  It’s DC folks, so keep the “beautiful people” in perspective.  “Beautiful for DC” is more apropos.)  A packed bar with full tables made cocktails a bit of a challenge.  The bar staff seemed less experienced than you would expect at such a hot spot.  But primatomma always finds a way:  Skip the 3 people deep front bar and make your way to the secluded bar toward the back of the restaurant.  There you will find 6 empty seats with bartender Jessica who is equally adept at her craft as she is conversation.  All while handling a dizzying array of drink orders from diners.  Ahhh… to be 22 again.  We look forward to seeing you again, Jessica!

Dinner seating was 30 minutes late but time passed quickly thanks to good company and a complimentary round of drinks (Bravo, RPM!).  We sat in the VIP area (did someone tip off our identities???!!) which was perfect as we were ready to party.  We sampled across the salad and apps options … the meatballs were unanimously voted the “must have” pre-entree selection.

Entrees were chosen from simple, traditional Italian to more daring dishes and all passed with flying colors.  The presentation was spot-on and the portions ample but not obnoxious.  Waitress Sue made sure we were well tended to and that our ample thirst was quenched.

The highlight oRPMf the night was dessert:  Torta Meringata, a flaming masterpiece pictured to the left.  Major shout out to Manager Josh Moore who demanded we experience this fine ass delicacy – a MUST HAVE when you visit RPM.  And Josh is a must-meet as well.  He goes very well with the third bottle of wine.

Overall, a rough start to our evening that was salvaged by a fun staff, good food, excellent drinks, and an outstanding dessert.  But expect some of the growing pains that we experienced.

RPM Italian, primatomma awards you a coveted p rating.  But we hold high expectations that within 6 months, a second p will be added.  Getting rid of that valet parking fee and adding more experienced bartenders to the front bar should get you there!

 

 

Enough is Enough

Occasionally primatomma shares contributions from our loyal readers. Such opinions are those of the reader and not necessarily shared by the staff of primatomma.

The following reflects upon recent events of violence in Dallas, Baton Rouge, and elsewhere from primaJP, a Veteran who simply “gets it” and has had enough:

violence

7/8/2016

Dear Ignorant Civilians,

I will not be a part of your race war. You can take it and shove it up your ungrateful asses. I will not fall victim to ruthless, crooked politicians who employ race baiting slum lords to carry out their dirty work in a effort to divide the red, white and blue nation we built in unison. I know a different place where men/women see no color – I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it, I’ve sweat for it and I’ve cried for it. You’ll never break our spirit.

I do not support/will not tolerate the killing of Police Officers, Military Veterans, innocent civilians or targeting people for their sexual orientation, religion or skin color.

If you’re committing a crime, violently resisting arrest or make a sudden, questionable move at gun point from an LEO, you should anticipate great bodily harm or even death. If an LEO has a gun to your chest, the situation is serious – if you do not follow instructions, there’s a chance you WILL be killed. It’s not racist, it’s not unfair – it’s consequences – even if the LEO is wrong, you will still be dead, your family will be left to grieve.

If you’re going to seek employment in Law Enforcement, please ensure you are up to the challenges, training, physical and mental standards that are required with the job. A lifetime behind bars or exiled as a murderer is not worth decent pay and a pension. Military aside, LEO the forefront of the first responder community. Be educated, be prepared and be ready to own your actions – if you’re faking it for the benefits, you are a liability to yourself, your fellow officers and the citizens you swore to protect.

Social justice warriors – please stop talking about how certain people have privilege or should feel guilty for being American or whatever other nonsense your “Professor” mentioned in your last class. Maybe you feel guilty because you haven’t done anything with your life. Maybe you feel guilty because you’ve never stood up for something larger than yourself. Maybe you’re not pleased with who you are, your lack of spine, awareness, experience, confidence or self worth. Sitting in a college quad, smoking pot with a bunch of upper-middle class kids (who look just like you) from neighborhoods just like yours and talking about equality is not making a difference. Do less whining and more doing – look around you – I see it all the time in NYC, guys walk right by a mother (who happens to be ethnic) struggling to get her heavy stroller up a long flight of stairs with 2 young kids by her side – too busy on their phones to help I guess? That’s okay, I usually step in and pick up your pathetic ignorance and slack – right before you created that neat little meme about “privilege”…..

Internet ISIS Hunters/Cross fit operators – buying tactical clothing, sporting beards, running around with stupid Spartan swag and doing silly WODs/races/challenges doesn’t make you a veteran, “professional soldier” or whatever the fuck else you think you are….I don’t care if you almost joined, I don’t care if the race you did was invented by secret recon delta force astronauts. I don’t care about your “friends” (Facebook pages) who are SEALs. Stop shoving “freedom” in everyone’s faces if you never served a day in uniform. If you’re passionate enough about it, join – make a difference, if not, it’s all good – just go be you.

Last, I’d like to create a motion for us Mediterranean people to exit the Caucasian race. We feel we’d do better on our own since we tend to have olive skin and tan better than the rest of you 🙂 We will now be labeled as tan people in addition to the black, brown and yellow people. #MedExit

primaJP