Dateline: March, 2017; South Beach, Miami
Sitting on one of the world’s best beaches, witnessing a #zip was the last thing on my mind. Witnessing amazing views – both on the water and out – was the expectation. Who would have thought that such views AND a #zip would be possible???
Miami’s ‘tops-optional’ beaches are a national treasure. Those who bare all are largely prima-caliber. True to form, the lass below started out SO promising. But she couldn’t stick to just looking hot … she had to tempt fate by acting a fool. (Not to be confused with the popular TNT hoops segment, “Shaqtin’ a Fool”; can’t resist linking to the amazing run of Javale McGee ribs here. Just be sure to come back to primatomma when done.)
It started out as an innocent photo shoot. You know, the kind where the boyfriend is acting the photographer and his girl strikes various poses, playing along with the skit. Most times it’s an innocent 30 seconds of glamming for the lens. But not with our aspiring super model below. This vixen proceeds to twist and turn for 25 minutes in front of a beach of ogling spectators. Now I know what you’re thinking; “prima, isn’t that the sort of thing that enhances an otherwise sedentary day looking out at nothingness?”
When a smoke-show spends 25 minutes in seductive poses practically naked on the beach, that’s a good thing. When she then spends the next 45 minutes buried under a towel to review the 200 pictures she took, certainly editing along the way, she’s a Zero in Public. This exhibit of self aggrandizement and narcissism was beyond comical. Her poor Euro-boyfriend … he of the banana hammock swimsuit and dental floss arms.
Sorry hotness, but welcome to #zipville.
Haven’t seen a beat-down this bad since Clubber Lang took on a grief-stricken Rocky Balboa in their first bout. Senator Chuck Schumer may want to pick his opponents a bit more judiciously:
And for that Senator Schumer, you are our #zIP of the day, finally taking on an opponent your own size and shrinking in the moment.
And for you Rocky fans, here is said beat down. For the good of the country, we hope the over-matched Senator from NY can learn from this, lick his wounds, and realize that not every opponent is going to cower from his ‘tough’ tactics.
OK, this seriously needs to be addressed. What is the mindset behind owners of vanity license plates? We suggest a new definition for “1 Per Centers”: The number of vanity plates that are either 1) witty, or 2) understandable.
Exhibit 1: “Budees” … really??? primaPologies to any with sentimental ties to their intended message (likely their dead cat’s name). Methinks this dude is not rolling out to ‘da club anytime soon. And then doubling down with the Christmas wreath and flames??? This broseph is cruising straight to loserville.
Exhibit 2: Not to be outdone, check out this fine example of a plate that is sure to clearly convey the driver’s message while zipping along at 60 mph:
“UHOTM8″… what the f*%k?! OK, we’ll play along. I wondered if the operator’s identity would help to decipher the message? Speeding ahead, we observed a younger, ethnic male driver – millennial age for sure. So here we go:
- “You Hot Mate?” Perhaps our driver is looking for a new boyfriend?
- “You Hot Mate!” Our driver is passing along a compliment … but only to other dudes?
- “You Ho Tomate” No idea.
- “Uh Oh Team 8” Feeling of exasperation if Alex Ovechkin’s (#8) Washington Capitals go on a losing streak?
Feel free to add your best guess as we have no idea. But what we do know is this: Stay away from the vanity plates – if you’re not in the 1%, you’re going to be a ZIP for sure. And for the love of god, please don’t decorate your car with Christmas wreaths, reindeer antlers, flame decals, or … and you loyal primaReaders know whats next … FAMILY STICK FIGURES! If so, YOU ARE A ZIP!!!!
Welcome to our newest feature … ZIP! What does it mean you ask? From the Kings of Kool, the Purveyors of Platitudes, the Sultans of Swag … we are proud to announce “ZEROs IN PUBLIC“!
On the eve of tomorrow’s historic presidential election, the campaigns have made one thing abundetly clear: Be careful how you act lest be held to account later. In that spirit, the tireless staff of #primatomma has devoted to the cause of making life better NOW. We are calling out anti-prima behavior as it happens so you, our valued primareaders, can enjoy life with as little disruption as possible caused by such toolsheds . At the very least it will be fun to point out douches doing douchey things!
So send in your submissions and help change the world, calling out one ZIP at a time.
Our inaugeral ZIP goes to this peach of a coed hanging at the Selwyn Pub in the Myers Park neighborhood of Charlotte, NC (great little dive bar, btw). After the “bucket ‘o beers” special expired, she was exasperated by that fact that she would now have to pay $3 more for her beloved 6 PBR’s in a can! The horror!!!
Congrats to our favorite Clemson Crony – keep on keepin’ on!