#zip … Miami Edition

Dateline:  March, 2017; South Beach, Miami

Sitting on one of the world’s best beaches, witnessing a #zip was the last thing on my mind.  Witnessing amazing views – both on the water and out – was the expectation.  Who would have thought that such views AND a #zip would be possible???

Miami’s ‘tops-optional’ beaches are a national treasure.  Those who bare all are largely prima-caliber.  True to form, the lass below started out SO promising.  But she couldn’t stick to just looking hot … she had to tempt fate by acting a fool.  (Not to be confused with the popular TNT hoops segment, “Shaqtin’ a Fool”; can’t resist linking to the amazing run of Javale McGee ribs here.  Just be sure to come back to primatomma when done.)

It started out as an innocent photo shoot.  You know, the kind where the boyfriend is acting the photographer and his girl strikes various poses, playing along with the skit.  Most times it’s an innocent 30 seconds of glamming for the lens.  But not with our aspiring super model below.  This vixen proceeds to twist and turn for 25 minutes in front of a beach of ogling spectators.  Now I know what you’re thinking; “prima, isn’t that the sort of thing that enhances an otherwise sedentary day looking out at nothingness?”

When a smoke-show spends 25 minutes in seductive poses practically naked on the beach, that’s a good thing.  When she then spends the next 45 minutes buried under a towel to review the 200 pictures she took, certainly editing along the way, she’s a Zero in Public.  This exhibit of self aggrandizement and narcissism was beyond comical.  Her poor Euro-boyfriend … he of the banana hammock swimsuit and dental floss arms.

Sorry hotness, but welcome to #zipville.

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#zIP: Cotton delivers a can of whup a*s

Haven’t seen a beat-down this bad since Clubber Lang took on a grief-stricken Rocky Balboa in their first bout.  Senator Chuck Schumer may want to pick his opponents a bit more judiciously:

And for that Senator Schumer, you are our #zIP of the day, finally taking on an opponent your own size and shrinking in the moment.

And for you Rocky fans, here is said beat down.  For the good of the country, we hope the over-matched Senator from NY can learn from this, lick his wounds, and realize that not every opponent is going to cower from his ‘tough’ tactics.

 

 

NFL Conference Championship Sunday – primaPicks

And we finally arrive at one of the great sporting days on the calendar; NFL Conference Championship Sunday.  And what’s a great sport day without the magic of the point spread, the over/under, the parlay, and the cherry-on-top, the 6 point tease???!!! Yes boys and girls, it’s time for primaPicks – our service to help you bulk up that bankroll for the Super Bowl and then the merriment of March Madness.

nfl-conference-championship-predictions

Here we go:

The Steelers cover but may not win but take the 6. No Gronk, Ben is way better than Landry Jones (who the Pats only beat 27-16 … which also adds to the revenge factor), and with the Steelers 3 headed offensive monster, we can see the Pats winning by a FG but not much more.  And who doesn’t love rooting against the Brady/Belichick evil empire?  I know, half of the Steelers had the flu this week, some South Sider pulled their hotel fire alarm last night leading to evacuation, and everyone has seen the Antonio Brown Facebook Live feed where Coach Tomlin called the Patriots a bunch of “a-holes”.  So of course is makes sense to pick the Steelers!

 
Next, the Falcons -5.5 is the obvious and easy play; don’t overthink this.  Falcons barely beat the Pack 33-32 in Atlanta earlier this season where the Pack were completely healthy. Much different this time:  Green Bay has three receivers listed as questionable, two of whom are starters Jordy Nelson and Davante Adams. Nelson is recovering from broken ribs while Adams has an ankle injury.  No way the Falcons don’t win by a TD+.
This is going to be a shocker to those who have cashed with primaPicks all season, but we LOVE both unders.  The under is 6-0 in the Patriots last 6 conference championship games. The Steelers have gone under in 16 of last 22 games.

Regarding the Falcons/Packers tilt, everyone and their brother are taking the over, driving it up to 61 at some books. Whenever action is that heavy, the opposite tends to hit.  Dedicated reader, primaRapper asked, “didn’t you see that Vegas took a bath the last two weekends?” That they did, but Vegas was built by blind sheep following each other to the slaughter; the fact that sports books got burnt two weeks in a row – in a big way – makes this under the play of the day.  Even though both defenses sort of blow, this game gets to the low/mid 50s but certainly not the 60s as a defensive stop or two at the end seals it for the Falcons and keeps it under 60.

Put these babies in with your favorite service, fix a fat bloody mary, and enjoy some fat winners!

10 Things We Hate … And You Should Too

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The summer is over primas, and we’re back and better than ever … pointing out everything you must experience as well as what you need avoid to make the most of this one-way ticket through life (apologies to the Scientologists – not really).  What better way to shake off the haze of sabbatical than a kick-ass list of the crap we hate and what any God-fearing, red meat-eating, fitness-seeking, flag-loving, chest-thumping, sexual-healing prima should as well.

Without further adieu, here’s the damn list:

10.  Dopes that don’t use turn signals.  Trivial, maybe.  Annoying as fuck?  YES!  Is the little stick to the left of your steering wheel THAT much of a trouble to flip up or down when you’re changing lanes or turning?  Considering you’re the same idiot who is texting, putting on make-up, or reaching around for your car charger, I guess letting folks know that you’re about to possibly end their life is too much to expect.  Guess what – you suck.  Next time I’m sitting at a red light, waiting to turn right, looking to my left seeing you approach and I wait and wait assuming you’re going straight only to see your dumb ass turn thereby wasting my time, I will follow you to the high heavens, take a pic of your license plate, and post here so that every prima on the planet starts giving you the 1 finger salute.

9.  Movie Trailers.  Here’s the deal… can we leave something to be seen during the actual MOVIE?!  Good God, every, and I mean EVERY good scene from any current movie is completely pimped out in the trailer.  Maybe it’s always been that way, but dammit Hollywood, this ain’t the ’80s anymore where we only see a 30 second commercial for Platoon while watching the Cosby Show.  (Side bar:  that show would be a lot more interesting now.)  Advice to the movie industry:  Change your damn marketing or Reality TV it is!

8.  People who don’t stay within the medium.  This is very important, but am going to whisper this so you don’t feel the loser you are.  So come closer to make sure you hear… closer… closer… almost here… just a smidge more:  When someone emails you, answer them in email.  If they call you, call them back.  If they text you, answer via text.  There’s almost nothing worse than texting someone – likely because you’re busy and can’t talk, or more likely, you don’t want to talk – and 20 seconds later your phone rings.  I mean WTF?!  Can’t you morons take a hint?

7.  People who don’t answer the full email.  Keeping with the spirit of #8, if you are engaged in an email conversation and are asked a series of questions, is it that hard to answer all of them?  Or at least acknowledge those you don’t, that you’ll provide those answers later as you may not have the answers at the moment?  Is there anything worse than having to ask questions multiple times because the lazy m-fer on the other side is too busy Snapping to answer a 2 f’ing question email?!

6.  Cell Phone Nazis.  You know the type, dominated by iPhone zombies.  “YOU MUST BUY iPHONE, YOU MUST BUY iPHONE…”  These people need a shot of penicillin.  It’s like Steve Jobs has become L. Ron Hubbard. Forming an entire corp of blind loyalists who will do anything to recruit others to their oddball devotion to Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy that scares the shit out of Scientologists (we’re oddly infatuated by those lunatics).  How about this cell phone Nazi’s:  If my phone sucks for your purposes, maybe you’re not that important
to me?  Burned!iphone-5-no-thanks

5.  Baseball managers wearing uniforms.  Quaint, throwback to yesteryear, nostalgic … DONE WITH IT!  There was a time when it was utilitarian; many eons ago, the managers were also players.  That ended before baseball games were televised (sorry, don’t give me Pete Rose – that was only to help him cover the -1.5 spread).  From a prima perspective, ENOUGH!  Even though the portly Tommy Lasorda, Charlie Manual, and Bobby Cox have been replaced by the P90X generation of Robin Ventura, Brad Ausmus, and Paul Molitor, y’all look RIDICULOUS in those damn baseball pants.  Can’t we move to athletic pants and golf shirts or something a bit more age/body appropriate?  Or we propose:
harbaugh

Just kidding.

4.  People with no Sense of Urgency.  You know them – the Sunday strolling, stop and smell the roses types.  No time for you!  The elderly or very young notwithstanding, if you are moving at a snail’s pace, be prepared to be run over.  And most of you dolts LOVE to cruise in the left lane, going the speed limit.  Nothing pisses primas off more than you clogging up the passing lane.  Clue to you:  When 50 cars blow by you on the right, it may be time to get out of the left.

3.  Wine Specials.  You’re at a restaurant that you don’t frequent often, and inevitably the server makes a suggestion from the Sommelier (even though you know they don’t have a Sommelier) for an amazing, difficult-to-find Bordeaux, on special for just $65.  Little did you know that the “special” is not discounted down from $99, but rather inflated UP from $9.99.  And it’s difficult to find because it’s on the bottom shelf at the wine store with all the other shit wines.  Do yourself a favor, download the free Vivino app and look up said “special” right in front of the server.  Then enjoy his/her face when you reveal the retail cost of the vinegar they’re trying to sell you.  One of the primatomma staff’s favorite activities!

vivino

2.  Hotel Internet Fees.  Is this really anything other than a cash grab any longer?  Isn’t it enough that you’re sticking me with a $50 valet fee and $10 bottles of water?  Do us all a solid and just give us web access for ‘free’ … which is a misnomer as you’ll bake it into the nightly rate anyway.  We’ll even play your game and “register” with our email address so you can spam the shit out of us with all of your special offers … which is a waste of time because we’re all booking through hotels.com or some other travel site anyway.

1. Toolsheds who Display Stick Figures on their Cars.  Even though NO bumper sticker, window sticker, magnet, etc. are prima, the stick figures have got to be the all time WORST. OK, the first one or two were a little clever, but nobody cares how many effing kids you have.  Or that you visit OBX or OC or IRL.  And we certainly don’t give a rip if you ran the full 26.2 or 13.1 – you’re equally annoying.  So please save us the aggravation of being forced to view your life through pictures as you drive 40mph in a 55 zone… IN THE LEFT DAMN LANE!

stick-figures

What say you, prima readers?  Tell us what annoys you most and see if you can crack the top 10 in our next edition.

TV Show Sweet 16

Bracket1 LeftThere’s no denying our obsession with the NCAA tournament.  And the cause of our obsession is the bracket.  It’s flexibility allowing for competition outside of sports is unrivaled.

So without further adieu, here are the first round, left side bracket results from the inaugural primatomma TV Show Sweet 16:

Today’s action provided a lot of excitement but just one upset.  Unlike it’s NCAA brethren, we’ve already spared the faux excitement of early round Cinderellas who inevitably fall apart under the bright lights.  (And for all of you purests, we’ve magically re-seeded the survivors to show rankings of 1-16.)

The biggest blowout of the day belongs to (1) House of Cards and their complete undressing of over-matched (16) Girls.  Frank and Claire barely worked up a lather in dispatching this pretender that somehow has gained mass viewership by airing naked scenes of folks who should remain clothed.  The route allowed the ‘House’ bench to gain valuable experience for Doug Stamper (leading scorer – 24 points), Remy Dalton (10 boards) and even President Petrov (8 assists, but stole 5 from the Jordan Valley and is officially credited with 13).  Such experience will be valuable indeed as they await the winner of the 7 vs. 10 match-up…

(7) True Detective vs. (10) Shades of Blue saw the rare occurrence of Vegas favoring the lower seeded ‘Shades’.  And right they were as the 9 point victory was really never that close.  Woz and Harlee executed the high pick and roll to perfection while ‘Detective’ threw at them varying combinations of Rust Cohle/Marty Hart and Ray Velcoro/Frank Semyon to no avail.  Not surprising as ‘Detective’ limped into the tournament with a disappointing second season. Onto the Great 8 for ‘Shades’!

A very controversial 14 seed, Narcos, gave the previously unheralded (3) Peakey Blinders about all they could handle.  Trailing by 2 with 2.3 seconds to go, Tommy Shelby gathered a perfect pass at midcourt from Aunt Polly thanks to a very questionable moving pick from brother Arthur (who was swaying from his time-out Irish Whiskey refreshment), wheeled and swished a three-pointer ala Christian Laettner to secure their advance to the Great 8.  All that was left was Pable Escobar’s tears as he slipped on a mound of narcotics.

Another thriller featured (5) Billions vs. (12) Ballers.  A defensive struggle throughout, Spencer Strasmore set the tone early with a devastating technical foul in the opening minutes when Chuck Rhoades took a perfect pass on a backdoor cut from Mike “Wags” Wagner.  Strasmore sent Rhoades sprawling into camera row with a well placed elbow.  The benches briefly emptied but cooler heads prevailed when Billions’ Head Coach Wendy Rhoades gathered players from both teams at mid-court and reminded all of their higher purpose.  The game teetered back and forth with the largest lead being a mere 6 points by Ballers at the half, but MVP candidate Bobby Axelrod’s 18 points proved too much for the valiant defensive effort put forth by Ballers Ricky Jerret, who held “Axe” well below his 26 point season average.

The right side of the bracket tips tomorrow at noon … sure to be a drain on GDP as America tunes in to another day of fast-paced action of shows with daydreams of a Final Four appearance in their future ratings.

 

TRUMP!

Vote!

While in the doldrums of the sports and entertainment calendars (post Super Bowl and pre March Madness; post Grammys/Oscars and pre another Kardashian naked photo), primatomma turns our attention to the Presidential primary race where we’re beyond the quarter pole.  And we can’t talk politics without talking about hands size and Donald Trump.

You can’t go 5 minutes on any news channel without hearing his name.  This is partly due to the outlandish claims made by or against him and partly due to him seemingly lapping the field with each passing primary/caucus.  Either way, the cutesy notion that Trump may emerge as the Republican nominee has been replaced with, “holy shit, Trump may be the Republican nominee!!!

Now we at primatomma have not yet offered our endorsement to any candidate on either side of the aisle; we’re withholding until the super PAC money flows our way.  But this shock and awe over Trump’s performance is no surprise at all; it’s the new normal.  Let us explain.

Politics is the last bastion of society to open up to the constituents they serve.  Our representative democracy has always been heavy on the ‘representative’ and light on the ‘democracy’.  But just like media has been losing their stranglehold on the news narrative thanks to the openness of the internet, same is now happening to the political elite.  That ruling class who were big on promise but small on delivery is losing their control of the dialogue to a new breed that is straight talking and – dare we say – accountable.

Super Pac funding and special interest promises have stagnated Washington.  Trump’s appeal is that he 1) speaks in plain English and 2) owes no favors.  Is he the best candidate?  Probably not.  But his appeal is undeniable and his supporters serve as a referendum that the landscape has changed.  That part of the electorate who has historically been talked over can no longer be disregarded.  They’re flooding the comments sections of news sites AND showing up at the polls.

It’s the natural progression where a major function of our society once dominated by elites who kept their covert inner workings obscured via legalese and backroom dealings are slowly but surely being ‘figured out’ and the anger is palpable.  They have one of their own in the Donald who diminishes debates to barroom banter which everyone understands.  While this may be the dumbing-down of America, it has also opened the floodgates of participation into the political process.

Let’s face it; while the system isn’t broke, it’s certainly devolving.  The Founders’ intent was a governing class formed from the people; successful professionals from a variety of fields who give years of service to run the country most effectively before sliding back to private life.  (e.g. Dr. Ben Carson. Say what you want but his run is historic by any definition.  To rise from obscurity – a Q rating below that of Screech from Saved by the Bell – to over 700,000 grassroots donors and, at one point, held the top spot of the Republican field is nothing short of remarkable.  Surgeon General would be a perfect landing for the good doctor.)  Today we have a professional political class who are motivated more by keeping their jobs than moving the country forward.

You can blame the lack of Congressional term limits and outdated tools such as redistricting gerrymandering and filibustering as needing serious overhauls.  Ever wonder why Congress receives nationwide approval ratings in the toilet yet individual states routinely award their reps the highest marks?  It’s because our Reps do what they can to siphon federal funds for their individual states that essentially set the country as a whole backwards.

And there you have it. While Trump may not be the best option for President, he is a change agent.  And isn’t that what everyone’s been wanting?  Obama came in with a flourish touting a new cooperative way to do business in Washington.  We didn’t know that would mean him usurping the very processes that were implemented to ensure separation of powers to prevent tyranny.  primatomma sure didn’t.

Gronk… ALL ABOARD!

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It’s the Gronk cruise and you better check your inhibitions on the welcome plank because once aboard, you’re in for 3 days/nights of pure bacchanal on the high seas!  By now, you’ve heard all about it: Rob Gronkowski, the Patriots’ All-Pro Tight End, he of raucous TD celebrations and spikes that render footballs flat, whose family home is more Animal House than Full House and whose penchant for partying rivals our sports heroes from yesteryear, invited 800 of his closest friends for a booze-cruise that re-defines the term.  Along with his brothers, dad, Waka Flocka, and Flo Rida (you know, “…Shawty got low low low low, low low low low”), Rob and posse made everyone feel like they were the guests of honor by personally toasting each with just what guests of honor deserve – lemon drop shots and Jameson.

From Babe Ruth and Joe DiMaggio to Joe Namath to Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley, there’s something about boozing into the wee hours and then dropping 63 points on well rested foes the next day that transcends these guys beyond mere Hall of Famers.  They become living legends whose athletic accomplishments are surpassed only by their super-human powers to dominate the nightlife as they do the court/field.

But there’s one small catch for these burgeoning sports/partying heroes. Better not fuck up with drugs, hookers, or any other unseemly activity or you’ll be damned into the category of Latrell Sprewell, Michael Vick, and Lenny Dykstra.

And that leads us to the bubbling cauldron that’s seeping up regarding the Gronk Cruise:  Is he getting an unfair pass?  Some claim ‘yes’, with claims of racism … that a black player would not be granted the same latitude as Gronk, a white player.  The comparison most often cited is Cam Newton.

Look, the issue isn’t race; its personality and track record.  Cam has a big personality, but he sulks when things go awry.  Yes, he’s great when things are going well; giving footballs to little kids, etc.  But don’t forget his scandal prior to the NFL – when transferring from junior college, his father demanded suitors to pay for his services, which many believe Auburn in fact did.

Gronk has no such history.  He’s regarded as the best at his position and a player who leaves everything on the field. And then leaves everything at the party … which normally includes his shirt.  Gronk will continue to receive this treatment – which primatomma supports – until he beats up a girlfriend, gets caught on video rolling dollar bills into straws to snort blow, has his car impounded with 200 lbs. of weed, etc.  By all indicators, this is highly unlikely.  Gronk and his family approach the line separating ‘boys being boys’ and police blotter offenses but know when to abort mission; when good natured adult fun turns creepy or even criminal.

primatomma is going to put the racial issue of the Gronk cruise to rest:  The comparison of Gronk to Cam isn’t one of race but of personality.  Gronk is today’s Shaq; fun-loving, approachable, even admirable in his ability to live life on his terms.  Now if we were to swap out Gronk with Johnny Manziel, receiving a pass on this behavior, the race-baiters would have cause.  Manziel is a loser; more like famous flameouts John Rocker or Ryan Leaf who just couldn’t say ‘no’ to controversy.  Rocker being a true racist and Leaf, a child in a man’s body who needed the powder more than TD’s.  So back off the racist claims; fellow brothers have gotten the same fee passes that Gronk now enjoys (see: Barkley, Charles).

Gronk cruise, for your pure awesomeness, we dub you the 2nd official recipient of the coveted 3 prima award.  Well done!  p p p