“It’s the most wonderful time, of the year…”

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Yo prima’s, it’s that time again.  THE day on the sports calendar that trumps all others. The opening day of March Madness.  Now the tournament itself is hands down the greatest sporting event of the year, but nothing matches the excitement, the heartbreak, the last second buzzer beaters quite like the first day.  And we are a mere 17 hours away from the opening tip!  Be still, my beating heart!!!!

So that got the creative juices flowing here at the primaOffice; everyone coming forth with ideas of “what else is the greatest in their category”?  That said, we present you with a bunch of other really cool shit:

Personal Hygiene:  Why does nether-region hygiene issues always default to the ladies?  Guys, Freshballsit’s time to look in the mirror and clean up your act!  When you’re questioning time and time again why the bloom fell off the rose with your significant other, it’s likely due to your disgusting odor.  Clean yourself up with Fresh Balls and rekindle your romance.

 

 

 

 

Beach Coolers:  This thing is all it’s cracked up to be and more.  The “Coolest Cooler” is the most studly cooler imaginable.  Here’s the features:The-coolest-resize-wiki-3872-x-2592-wip

  • Blender
  • LED Lights
  • Bluetooth Speaker
  • Magnetized Bottle Opener/Corkscrew
  • USB Charger
  • Rubberized Wheels
  • Cutting Board

 

Even John Candy in Summer Rental would look prima with this bad boy!

Recreational Vehicles:  Stay with me here.  The Segway X2 with off-road tires are in fact KICK-ASS!  Here’s thesegway_i2xe_lrg deal though … no helmets.  You have to be prima to pull it off; if not, you become Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  But if you have the goods to represent, what’s cooler than cruising around on an all-terrain Segway (cup holder recommended for your tall boy), mid party, challenging all comers with a time trial???!!!  But know your limits; misfire on this one and it’s on you!

 

 

 

 

 

Medical Treatment:  This is truly the greatest thing since sliced bread – IV Hydration Therapy.  This directly from the website of Hydrate Medical (which has been sampled by a few staff members):  “An epic night can require onhydrate medicale epic recovery. Revitalize and recover quickly with this serious energy boosting, symptom eliminating, detoxifying drip. Filled with antioxidants and stacked with the medications to alleviate symptoms, you will be feeling great.”

Nothing truer has EVER been written.  Not only does it “make you feel great” it makes you king of the world where a 5 hour car ride tempts you to turn right around and make it a 10.  Just ‘cuz.

Golf Caddy:  We get it, hard to argue anything cool about golf.  Ah, but that may have just changed with the “GolfBoard“.  You now have the ability to knock out 6 hours of your day, vacillating from rage to euphoria (your two pars), all without nary a sweat.  Golf cart you say?  No way!  You’re surfing the linklaird.boards with this part golf cart/part surfboard/part skateboard – GolfBoard.  And best part is that you aren’t stuck talking with some jamoke that you get paired up with to make your threesome a foursome while your two
buddies yuck it up all the way to the 19th hole!

 

 

 

 

Air Travel:  ANY airline in South/Central America!  Safety concerns aside, all you need to know is the employment of stewardesses who can meander the aisle without drilling your knee that’s sticking out 3/4″ into the aisle.  But better yet, they’re actually NICE TO YOU!  Novel, we know.  But there’s even more… and have saved the best for last.  FREE beverage service that’s pulled from carts stocked with BOOZE!  Yep, and top shelf at that.  We about fell out of our seats upon learning.  And even better, they go up and back, up and back offering refills!  Now we realize this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but c’mon man, it’s the small things in life that matter!

South America Beverage Cart

(Editor’s Note:  We apologize for the 1960’s image, but honestly, it was much more prima then compared to the soft-serve lifestyle we’re expected to live now!  See Draper, Don).

Three ppp’s for all of these!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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TV Show Sweet 16 – Right Bracket

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After that thriller of the NCAA championship game, the TV Show Sweet 16 had to take a breather.  Hats off to Kris Jenkins and the Villanova Wildcats for a remarkable run!

But back to the REAL tournament where action was fast and furious on the right side of the bracket.

The day tipped off with what seemed a back and forth upset in the making with (2) Homeland taking on (15) Younger.  Younger’s youth was spent by the half when they kept it within 4 but the wily Homeland vets proved too much to handle in the 2nd half.  Saul Berenson recovered from a sleepy first half to record a triple double (13/11/10).  The game took a turn for the worse for Younger when star forward Liza Miller was deemed ineligible for lying about her age.

The biggest upset of the day belonged to (11) American Horror Story and their bracket-busting performance over heavily favored (6) Shameless.  This one went down the wire where it was evident the last team with the ball stood the best chance to grab the ‘W’.  Shameless’ Frank Gallagher blew a chance to pull ahead by 3, missing both free throws with 6.2 seconds to go.  Inexplicably, he ran to the bench after missing the second free throw to receive comforting from Sheila Jackson while his assignment, The Countess, slipped behind the defense and laid in an easy layup from a masterful outlet from her trans-gendered bartender Donovan to seal the victory.  They’ll need all the dark magic they can conjure to continue their success vs. Homeland.

Equaling that drama was (8) The Americans vs. (9) Vinyl.  This ‘pick-em’ at the tip was all it was cracked up to be.  The stars did not disappoint:  Americans’ Philip Jennings led all scorers with 29 but was nearly matched bucket by bucket by Vinyl’s Richie Finestra (27 points).  But a late turnover Paige Jennings – hearkening memories of Freddy Brown’s infamous UNC gaffe – allowed Zac Yankovich to dribble out the clock securing the 4 point victory.  *Post-game note:  Sources reveal that Paige’s turnover was intentional as proof of her secret training and devotion to Vinyl.

The nightcap pitted (4) Ray Donovan vs. (13) Better Call Saul.  A sloppy affair at best, caused by ‘Saul’s strategy to slow down the fast breaking ‘Donovan’, resulted in a relatively easy win by the favorite.  A paltry 40% shooting percentage doomed Saul’s strategy with only one starter – Mike Ehrmantraut – scoring in double digits (15 pts.).   Donovan’s waves of offensive fire-power was too much for Saul’s aging cast.  Bunchy Donovan led all scorers with 18, but shared the spotlight with brother Terry (17 pts.).  Mickey Donovan was conspicuously absent in the first half.  We later learned that Coach Ezra Goldman was disciplining the veteran for “conduct unbecoming” when he left son Terry locked in a security room as Mickey fled the police.  Team Captain Ray Donovan was notably disgusted as his post-game presser when asked about Mickey, abruptly exiting the dais dressed in an Armani warm-up.  NOT a good vibe with upstart Vinyl waiting in the wings.

This weekend’s Great 8 is sure to see even better story lines!

 

TV Show Sweet 16

Bracket1 LeftThere’s no denying our obsession with the NCAA tournament.  And the cause of our obsession is the bracket.  It’s flexibility allowing for competition outside of sports is unrivaled.

So without further adieu, here are the first round, left side bracket results from the inaugural primatomma TV Show Sweet 16:

Today’s action provided a lot of excitement but just one upset.  Unlike it’s NCAA brethren, we’ve already spared the faux excitement of early round Cinderellas who inevitably fall apart under the bright lights.  (And for all of you purests, we’ve magically re-seeded the survivors to show rankings of 1-16.)

The biggest blowout of the day belongs to (1) House of Cards and their complete undressing of over-matched (16) Girls.  Frank and Claire barely worked up a lather in dispatching this pretender that somehow has gained mass viewership by airing naked scenes of folks who should remain clothed.  The route allowed the ‘House’ bench to gain valuable experience for Doug Stamper (leading scorer – 24 points), Remy Dalton (10 boards) and even President Petrov (8 assists, but stole 5 from the Jordan Valley and is officially credited with 13).  Such experience will be valuable indeed as they await the winner of the 7 vs. 10 match-up…

(7) True Detective vs. (10) Shades of Blue saw the rare occurrence of Vegas favoring the lower seeded ‘Shades’.  And right they were as the 9 point victory was really never that close.  Woz and Harlee executed the high pick and roll to perfection while ‘Detective’ threw at them varying combinations of Rust Cohle/Marty Hart and Ray Velcoro/Frank Semyon to no avail.  Not surprising as ‘Detective’ limped into the tournament with a disappointing second season. Onto the Great 8 for ‘Shades’!

A very controversial 14 seed, Narcos, gave the previously unheralded (3) Peakey Blinders about all they could handle.  Trailing by 2 with 2.3 seconds to go, Tommy Shelby gathered a perfect pass at midcourt from Aunt Polly thanks to a very questionable moving pick from brother Arthur (who was swaying from his time-out Irish Whiskey refreshment), wheeled and swished a three-pointer ala Christian Laettner to secure their advance to the Great 8.  All that was left was Pable Escobar’s tears as he slipped on a mound of narcotics.

Another thriller featured (5) Billions vs. (12) Ballers.  A defensive struggle throughout, Spencer Strasmore set the tone early with a devastating technical foul in the opening minutes when Chuck Rhoades took a perfect pass on a backdoor cut from Mike “Wags” Wagner.  Strasmore sent Rhoades sprawling into camera row with a well placed elbow.  The benches briefly emptied but cooler heads prevailed when Billions’ Head Coach Wendy Rhoades gathered players from both teams at mid-court and reminded all of their higher purpose.  The game teetered back and forth with the largest lead being a mere 6 points by Ballers at the half, but MVP candidate Bobby Axelrod’s 18 points proved too much for the valiant defensive effort put forth by Ballers Ricky Jerret, who held “Axe” well below his 26 point season average.

The right side of the bracket tips tomorrow at noon … sure to be a drain on GDP as America tunes in to another day of fast-paced action of shows with daydreams of a Final Four appearance in their future ratings.

 

One Shining Moment

 

We are in the midst of the greatest time on the sports calendar, mio primas:  March Madness.  Why so great?  Well, besides the two opening days being the closest thing to national holidays without being declared as such and the fact that its demographic stretches from 8 to 80, I can summarize in one word:  Cinderella.

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We all know that Middle Tennessee State can’t possibly win the tournament and be crowned the NCAA champ (right?), but they knocked off a true Goliath in the sport – Michigan State.  Yep, the same Michigan State that 22.3% of you predicted to win the national championship, second only to Kansas at 25%.

This happens with great regularity with March Madness.  Not so much in our other favorite distractions from reality.  The top 4 teams in the NFL don’t even PLAY the opening round of their playoffs (they get a bye).  The top seeds in the NBA playoffs treat their opening round opponents like sparring partners – barely breaking a sweat while dispatching them to the off-season.  MLB offers a stern test for their playoff participants as the first round features best-of-five series, giving the weaker team a big-time shot at upsetting the favorite if they can steal game one or two.  In this sense it’s the second most compelling playoff thanks to this artificial construct of the 5-game opening round series.

But March Madness has something all of the others do not have:  The common occurrence of underdogs beating favorites, making it the most irresistible of sporting events for two key reasons:

  1.  Competition.  For the sports junkie who watches for the love of competition he/she is rewarded with 3 weeks of “anyone’s guess”.  Nothing better for a lover of competition to settle into a contest where the outcome is far from preordained.
  2.  Gambling.  The Golden Goose of sports – and March Madness offers it in droves!  The nature of Cinderella upsetting the field opens up the bracket to Vegas vets and kindergartners alike.  The bracket makes fools of experts and experts out of fools.  And that unites all of us together in gambling bliss.

Now the reasons for Cinderella’s preponderance in March Madness relative to other playoffs is pretty simple to understand.  In a “win or go home” format, stress levels are at their highest for the favored teams.  They have a very slim margin to square their play should they not come with their “A” game.  More importantly, most Cinderellas are your smaller schools whose players bond for four years as opposed to the blue blood programs whose players stay for one or two years before exiting to the riches of the NBA.  The camaraderie, loyalty, and cohesiveness of these small but peaking programs tend to outlast their more talented foes when games get tight … something that often happens in March Madness.  The viewing of which is pure ecstasy!

So buckle up and enjoy the ride… watch out Notre Dame, Stephen F. Austin is coming your way!