No surprise that “Fake News” is all the rage these days. With our President citing it as public enemy #1 and outlets such as CNN emboldening that claim daily, it’s high time we consider some near homonymic alternatives.
We present you with Fake News Feminine Rhymes (look it up!):
Fake Booze: So this is ‘1A’ in primaWorld… libations that taste and experience all of the fun of boozy nights sans hangover. This invention is sure to be added to the Mt. Rushmore of insanely great discoveries of the modern world.
Fake Boobs: Need we say more? Lovely in every way.
Fake Cruise: Stay with me here. Let’s first agree that cruises are the all-time worst way to vacation. Locked into a 2×4 tuna-can stateroom, your days spent at over-crowded pools with overweight people (evidently no salads on these ships), and bars stocked with glorified Slurpees passed off as frozen margaritas. Nights are marginally better – ‘All You Can Eat’ dinners with a $20 surcharge for the upgraded Outback T-Bone steak (no thanks, I’ll stick with the ‘Salisbury’ version).
So here’s what changes on the Fake Cruise: Passengers who actually fit into their bathing suits and no “all you can eat” … that only encourages problem #1. Entertainment better than Elvis impersonators. We’re talking kick-ass DJ’s here people! No “Sweet Caroline”, “Tubthumper”, “Thong Song”, nor “Who Let the Dogs Out”. Play those even on your headphones and you’re tossed overboard!
Fake Moo’s: For the lactose intolerant, milk that actually tastes like milk without the runs. Don’t give us that soy, white colored water. ‘Nuff said.
Fake Dues: Country Club access without the crazy ass monthly dues. You know those annoying bills that calculate your average round of golf to $799/round.
Fake Lou’s: Fake Louis Vuitton bags on the street corner. Can’t afford the real thing? Work harder. Don’t devalue the authentic because your broke, dependent-on-handouts ass can’t afford it.
Fake Zoo’s: This is something everyone should be able to get behind regardless of political ideology: Zoo’s outfitted with mechanical animals so we can; 1) stop putting humans at risk handling animals outside of their natural habitat, 2) stop removing animals from their homies, 3) re-allocate strained tax dollars toward the myriad of human crises growing larger every day, and 4) eliminate the clichéd baby Panda stories every time Mei Xiang gets knocked up.
There you have it… fun with Fake News Feminine Rhymes!