Presenting … the primaTomies!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programing of disgraced Hollywood moguls and A-listers – who believe their status in the world of make believe gives license to unzip, pop out, and disgrace their loved ones – with a word from our sponsors.  OK, not really OUR sponsors but those who have earned the right to [dis]grace the pages of our fine site.  We present to you the worst commercial finalists, as nominated by our loyal followers.

Ladies and gentlemen, the primaTomies‘:

Terrible Commercial Nominees

Annoying Verizon spokesman turned Sprint spokesman.

This dude was a tool with Verizon and continues to be annoying with Sprint.  Hey Paul, why not just say “I’m pimping Sprint now because they’re paying me more than Verizon … and all those ads I ran for 10 years for Verizon, just forget about them.”  Once a tool always a tool:

Condescending Trivago guy.

You know, the women really nailed the best physical descriptor ever with “Resting Bitch Face”.  We try in vain to match that with our “Wanting to Punch you in the Face, Face”.  Not quite the same ring, but it’s the thought that counts.  And who would you rather punch in the face more than this condescending, would rather be doing anything than talk to us, divorced-dad-type trying to be too cool-for-school poser?

Dallas Cowboy Repping … Insurance??!!!

GEICO must not have done their homework.  Or maybe they have:  The organization that is wrought with drugs, misogyny, frequenting of prostitutes, DUI convictions, etc. is chosen to represent a company that aims to appeal to all Americans?

To be clear, Jason Witten is a good dude and really not deserving of the Cowboys’ horns but this commercial blows regardless of the team.  First of all, they give him a generic “82” jersey that 1) has the numbers way too spread out, and 2) doesn’t even reference his team.  What, GEICO can’t afford to pay the fee to use his actual jersey?  And the lighting, the dumb-ass drills, and the even dumber song makes us cringe every time this low-rent trash of a commercial airs.  Maybe their intent was to show a broke-ass, cheap commercial for a product of the same characteristics?  If so, GEICO, you succeeded.

“And the winner is…”

This was a tough vote for the primaStaff, but we have reached a verdict:  As nausea-inducing as all of these fine finalists may be, one truly causes the dry heaves with each view… that of GEICO infamy!  Congratulations GEICO and Mr. Witten, you receive the inaugural lousy commercial award!  Your primaTomie is in the mail.

Next up, the best commercials; stay tuned…

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“The IRS is not enough”

Sports are the ‘great equalizer’.  One of the few places where race, religion, politics, and even gender are thrown out the window.  If you can get the job done better than the next guy, the job is yours.  Now that gets muddy in the age of guaranteed contracts, large signing bonuses, and the little league coach who starts his kid every game at second base because – well – he can.

Those situations aside, sports tell us all we need to know about a person.  Play 18 holes of golf with a stranger and you’ll know all you need to know about him.  Enter a locker room and it will take all of 5 minutes to identify the Alpha Dog; knock him on his as on the field and he quickly becomes Alpha Dog Sht.  And that kid who advanced the ultimate winning run on a fly ball to right field who’s pissed that his batting average dropped?  We sure as hell will never hire him.

In that vein, a local story emerged over the last week that tells us all we need to know about the people involved.

Seneca Ridge River Bend Basketball League (SRRBBL) is a nonprofit organization for children in grades three through eight in Sterling, VA.  That’s good.  The fact that their board’s financial management looks very negligent in the best-case scenario to downright fraudulent in the worst-case scenario is not so good.

You’ve heard this story a million times:  Headstrong individuals wrestle control of a league only to serve their own purposes vs. the families they are elected to represent.  As for SRRBBL, the jury is still out.  But the alleged fiscal mis-management is best summarized in the chart below.  Player enrollment fees should FAR exceed the gross income reported to the IRS in tax years 2012-2015.

SRRBBL

So where did the money go?  That’s what concerned parents want to know, as reported by the Loudoun Times.  Since the story broke, anecdotes of vocal families who have questioned the board’s activities being black-balled, frozen out of “travel” team opportunities, etc. have come to light.

There’s enough smoke to this fire to warrant answers to the hard hitting questions raised by this group of frustrated parents.  Enough smoke that we support signing their petition – you should too.

There’s one more piece to this puzzle that is becoming increasingly clear.  We’re normally not fans of judging a book by its cover, but here’s the commissioner of this league of 3rd – 8th graders.  Who coincidentally had a lien placed on his property in 2013, an amount in excess of $60,000+, by the IRS.  Just sayin’:

 

#pipiLeaks: Spare me your half a** dinner party!

This morning we had the misfortune of stumbling upon this half-baked treatise of maintaining friendships:  Bring back the Potluck and the Half A** Dinner Party, Please.

Cliffs Notes:  Author-Mom reminiscing about the days of yore, before children and their toys and clothes cluttered everything from the family room to the toilet.  Back when plans with friends were marked by formal dinner parties, nice clothes, and too much drinking.  But the urchins have changed all that.  Now, get-togethers are the province of restaurants which include babysitter fees and overpriced wine.  So she’s fighting back:  For all who are tired with preparing spotless dining rooms and fine cuisine to feed their dinner party guests, our heroine is championing the pigsty room with kids’ crap everywhere, lousy pizza, and cheap wine.  Because nothing says “come spend 5 hours with us kibitzing and laughing” better than Papa John’s and Sutter Home!

shutterstock_317935109

Ummm, no.  It’s #pipiLeaks time.  Who in their right mind, in today’s helter skelter world, would want to spend their hard earned free time with a college dorm themed gathering? We get it, things aren’t always perfect.  But if you don’t have the wherewithal to scoop up all of your kids’ crap and throw into a closet, put a some macaroni in a casserole dish with some quality ground meat, cheese, and marinara, and at least a few bottles of an Orin Swift derivative (which aren’t all that great any longer btw), please spare us this “dinner party” invitation.

Here’s the deal, Christine Organ is the latest #pipiLeaks recipient not because she happens to enjoy informal gatherings of friends where the camaraderie outweighs the pomp and circumstance.  Nothing wrong with a case of beer, pizza, and a football game.  The coveted award is for the “poser” attitude.

Look, words do matter, as does MY TIME!  So if you’re hosting a “dinner party” which winds up being the slop mentioned in this article, then you, honey, are a poser.  And Potluck??? Really?  Are we back in college pulling our resources since we all have $240 in our ATM accounts?  This is not to say that everyone is at the same financial level but there’s something to be said to acting in accordance to your means.  There’s no rule that says you have to serve filet mignon and lobster tail with a butler (though that’s a strong-ass dinner party!), but at least clean up your damn house and make an effort!  I don’t have a lot of free time and you can be damn sure if it’s spent under the false pretense of a “dinner party” and instead encounter the garbage suggested by Ms. Organ, there’s going to be some Samuel L. Jackson invectives hurled at your mother f**er as!

Congrats Christine Organ, you are the coveted winner of the #pipiLeaks award.  Not sure what that means?  Here you go:

What is #pipiLeaks?

 

 

 

 

Harper’s Bizarre (reaction)

The annual passing of the baton from Spring to Summer has once again come and gone.  What’s that, you ask?  The barbecue-filled Memorial Day weekend culminating in solemn remembrance of our nation’s heroes who paid the ultimate price to ensure our freedom?  No, simpleton, it’s of course the single most over-analyzed “anomaly” of our gentlemanly national pastime – baseball:  The Bench Clearing Brawl.

Bryce Harper of the Washington Nationals & Hunter Strickland of the San Francisco Giants squared off yesterday after Harper took issue with a 95MPH heater to the hip.  This was somewhat expected after Harper took Strickland deep 2x in the 2014 NLDS – showing up the pitcher with his reaction around the bases and celebrating with his teammates.

We will spare you the arguments about who was wrong and who was right; who won the fight and who lost; was it justified; does the punishment fit the crime.  We won’t engage in that drivel.  (But WTF was Buster Posey doing???  The only guy wearing armor may as well have ordered a beer and grabbed his BarcaLounger as he had the best seat in the house.  Dude acted like a deer on a highway, avoiding traffic from all directions.)

No, today’s target of primaDerision is the god-awful media who cover this annual right of nothingness.  You know the blowhards on sports talk radio arguing how the “unwritten rules of baseball are past their prime” … “the sport better wake up as they’re about lose generations of fan interest” … “these pitchers have a way to prevent being shown up – DON’T GIVE UP HOMERUNS!”  Their bullshit commentary is utterly predictable, tired, and indicative of a sports media that somehow survives on cliche and copycat analysis.

You won’t find that with primatomma, baby!  Here, we get real.  And here’s what you need to know:  Baseball fights are a GOOD THING!  Yep, you read that right, brother – a good thing.  Before you comment about safety, concussions, etc., save your keystrokes.  None of us want a player to get seriously hurt, but answer me this:  How many MLB Google searches for baseball news occurred this season before yesterday?  Our research dept. is on break so someone look into that for me; my guess is that the Harper/Strickland fight beats all of this season’s searches, combined!

The hackneyed sports media would have you think that today’s fickle sports fan – especially our youth – are leaving baseball in droves due to the sports’ antiquated traditions and norms.  Umm, really?  The generation that has fueled the growth of MMA and Call of Duty are losing interest in baseball because of … fighting???  

What are these morons smoking?  What baseball needs is more “stuff” to happen, not less.  If that means that a couple of times per year a hitter gets smoked with chin music and then charges the mound or engages in a jaw session on his way to first base, then that’s a step in the right direction.  Does anyone NOT love the Nolan Ryan filet of Robin Ventura?  (Google it, GenX’ers).

You know what baseball fights are?  AWESOME!  Do you know what they’re not?  Boring.  And baseball can use a lot more AWESOME and a lot less boring.

White Sox Rangers Baseball Fight

How Christian McCaffrey Helps Solve Immigration Reform

C-Mac

Unless you live under a rock, you know that the annual NFL bacchanal (otherwise known as the NFL Draft) has finally arrived.  And atop the Rocky steps in the City of Brotherly Love no less!  A sure first round pick is the RB/WR/KR extraordinaire from Stanford, Christian McCaffrey.  Now nothing is really a sure thing in the draft, as nice and shiny as the players look in the showroom, there’s always some warts; McCaffrey is no different.  See, prior to the draft, there’s an annual cattle call (i.e. “Combine”) where most of the prospective draftees are poked, prodded, questioned, and tested to supply additional data points beyond the hours of tape from their college careers.  Unfortunately for C-Mac (claiming primaCredit here … have yet to hear that nickname!), he flat out sucked on the bench press test.

Even though the dude is an athletic freak, laying flat on his back and pressing 225 lbs. as many times as he can is not one of his more accomplished feats.  He pressed that weight a paltry 10 times compared to others at his position who mostly reached the 18-30 rep mark.  (This morning, we put primatomma80 to the test.  After a 4 day golf bender, our man still repped out 13.5!  He’s too modest to admit so he recused himself from contributing to today’s missive).  Nobody’s suggesting that prima is now ranked higher than C-Mac on the NFL draft boards. Reams of other data predicting C-Mac’s NFL success is unfortunately light years ahead of our esteemed colleague.

NFL draft decision-makers will undoubtedly select C-Mac with the 8th pick tonight, currently held by the Carolina Panthers.  And the reason is COMPROMISE.  That’s right, they’re willing to compromise the lack of performance on the bench press in lieu of his accomplishments on the field, his intelligence, and all of the other physical measurables such as 40 time and vertical.

If only the nudnicks in Washington could understand the “C” word.  We are a country of amazing resources and extremely varied backgrounds.  We certainly could come up with workable solutions for our most vexing problems if only each side could push away from their entrenched, ideological positions of ALWAYS fully disagreeing with the other side.  So borrowing from the C-Mac example, here’s how we handle immigration reform.

First, some givens:

  • R’s want to build a wall to keep out illegals, guns, drugs:  Reasonable
  • D’s don’t want to build a wall because of cost and offending our southern neighbors: Reasonable on the cost disagreement, Not Reasonable on avoiding offending our neighbors while our country suffers
  • R’s want to rid the country of illegal immigrants, focusing on those who have committed crimes:  Reasonable
  • D’s don’t want to deport illegals, even criminals as it likely will seep into ALL illegals, many of whom risked life and limb to get here, likely did not have the financial means or knowledge to navigate the legal immigration process, have become contributing members of society, and have families who were either born in the US or have assimilated into their communities.  Uprooting these folks would cause major issues of splitting families, etc.:  Reasonable

Here’s the compromise that nearly satisfies all, not fully, but to a degree that all sides should be able to live with:

  • Build the wall.
  • How do we pay?  Ted Cruz’s “El Chapo” act seems to be a pretty good idea.  In essence, we use money forfeited from the criminal prosecution of drug lords … a dollar amount in the neighborhood of $14BB.  That should give us a pretty nice down-payment!
  • Continue to focus on deporting criminals here illegally, but with a guarantee that it stops there.
  • Once wall is complete, offer clemency and a path to citizenship for illegals for a 90 day period.  If you can’t prove steps have been taken to become citizens during that 90 day period and your swept up, you’re out.  Hey, we tried … and if you’re found after this time, you more than likely arrived after these efforts have been in effect and the buck must stop somewhere.

There you go, a nice C-Mac compromise that most assuredly will never happen.

“It’s the most wonderful time, of the year…”

march-madness-bracket-640_0

Yo prima’s, it’s that time again.  THE day on the sports calendar that trumps all others. The opening day of March Madness.  Now the tournament itself is hands down the greatest sporting event of the year, but nothing matches the excitement, the heartbreak, the last second buzzer beaters quite like the first day.  And we are a mere 17 hours away from the opening tip!  Be still, my beating heart!!!!

So that got the creative juices flowing here at the primaOffice; everyone coming forth with ideas of “what else is the greatest in their category”?  That said, we present you with a bunch of other really cool shit:

Personal Hygiene:  Why does nether-region hygiene issues always default to the ladies?  Guys, Freshballsit’s time to look in the mirror and clean up your act!  When you’re questioning time and time again why the bloom fell off the rose with your significant other, it’s likely due to your disgusting odor.  Clean yourself up with Fresh Balls and rekindle your romance.

 

 

 

 

Beach Coolers:  This thing is all it’s cracked up to be and more.  The “Coolest Cooler” is the most studly cooler imaginable.  Here’s the features:The-coolest-resize-wiki-3872-x-2592-wip

  • Blender
  • LED Lights
  • Bluetooth Speaker
  • Magnetized Bottle Opener/Corkscrew
  • USB Charger
  • Rubberized Wheels
  • Cutting Board

 

Even John Candy in Summer Rental would look prima with this bad boy!

Recreational Vehicles:  Stay with me here.  The Segway X2 with off-road tires are in fact KICK-ASS!  Here’s thesegway_i2xe_lrg deal though … no helmets.  You have to be prima to pull it off; if not, you become Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  But if you have the goods to represent, what’s cooler than cruising around on an all-terrain Segway (cup holder recommended for your tall boy), mid party, challenging all comers with a time trial???!!!  But know your limits; misfire on this one and it’s on you!

 

 

 

 

 

Medical Treatment:  This is truly the greatest thing since sliced bread – IV Hydration Therapy.  This directly from the website of Hydrate Medical (which has been sampled by a few staff members):  “An epic night can require onhydrate medicale epic recovery. Revitalize and recover quickly with this serious energy boosting, symptom eliminating, detoxifying drip. Filled with antioxidants and stacked with the medications to alleviate symptoms, you will be feeling great.”

Nothing truer has EVER been written.  Not only does it “make you feel great” it makes you king of the world where a 5 hour car ride tempts you to turn right around and make it a 10.  Just ‘cuz.

Golf Caddy:  We get it, hard to argue anything cool about golf.  Ah, but that may have just changed with the “GolfBoard“.  You now have the ability to knock out 6 hours of your day, vacillating from rage to euphoria (your two pars), all without nary a sweat.  Golf cart you say?  No way!  You’re surfing the linklaird.boards with this part golf cart/part surfboard/part skateboard – GolfBoard.  And best part is that you aren’t stuck talking with some jamoke that you get paired up with to make your threesome a foursome while your two
buddies yuck it up all the way to the 19th hole!

 

 

 

 

Air Travel:  ANY airline in South/Central America!  Safety concerns aside, all you need to know is the employment of stewardesses who can meander the aisle without drilling your knee that’s sticking out 3/4″ into the aisle.  But better yet, they’re actually NICE TO YOU!  Novel, we know.  But there’s even more… and have saved the best for last.  FREE beverage service that’s pulled from carts stocked with BOOZE!  Yep, and top shelf at that.  We about fell out of our seats upon learning.  And even better, they go up and back, up and back offering refills!  Now we realize this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but c’mon man, it’s the small things in life that matter!

South America Beverage Cart

(Editor’s Note:  We apologize for the 1960’s image, but honestly, it was much more prima then compared to the soft-serve lifestyle we’re expected to live now!  See Draper, Don).

Three ppp’s for all of these!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#zip … Miami Edition

Dateline:  March, 2017; South Beach, Miami

Sitting on one of the world’s best beaches, witnessing a #zip was the last thing on my mind.  Witnessing amazing views – both on the water and out – was the expectation.  Who would have thought that such views AND a #zip would be possible???

Miami’s ‘tops-optional’ beaches are a national treasure.  Those who bare all are largely prima-caliber.  True to form, the lass below started out SO promising.  But she couldn’t stick to just looking hot … she had to tempt fate by acting a fool.  (Not to be confused with the popular TNT hoops segment, “Shaqtin’ a Fool”; can’t resist linking to the amazing run of Javale McGee ribs here.  Just be sure to come back to primatomma when done.)

It started out as an innocent photo shoot.  You know, the kind where the boyfriend is acting the photographer and his girl strikes various poses, playing along with the skit.  Most times it’s an innocent 30 seconds of glamming for the lens.  But not with our aspiring super model below.  This vixen proceeds to twist and turn for 25 minutes in front of a beach of ogling spectators.  Now I know what you’re thinking; “prima, isn’t that the sort of thing that enhances an otherwise sedentary day looking out at nothingness?”

When a smoke-show spends 25 minutes in seductive poses practically naked on the beach, that’s a good thing.  When she then spends the next 45 minutes buried under a towel to review the 200 pictures she took, certainly editing along the way, she’s a Zero in Public.  This exhibit of self aggrandizement and narcissism was beyond comical.  Her poor Euro-boyfriend … he of the banana hammock swimsuit and dental floss arms.

Sorry hotness, but welcome to #zipville.

zip_miami

#FakeNews & Feminine Rhymes

No surprise that “Fake News” is all the rage these days. With our President citing it as public enemy #1 and outlets such as CNN emboldening that claim daily, it’s high time we consider some near homonymic alternatives.

We present you with Fake News Feminine Rhymes (look it up!):

Fake Booze: So this is ‘1A’ in primaWorld… libations that taste and experience all of the fun of boozy nights sans hangover. This invention is sure to be added to the Mt. Rushmore of insanely great discoveries of the modern world.

belushi

Fake Boobs: Need we say more? Lovely in every way.

pamela18

Fake Cruise: Stay with me here. Let’s first agree that cruises are the all-time worst way to vacation. Locked into a 2×4 tuna-can stateroom, your days spent at over-crowded pools with overweight people (evidently no salads on these ships), and bars stocked with glorified Slurpees passed off as frozen margaritas. Nights are marginally better – ‘All You Can Eat’ dinners with a $20 surcharge for the upgraded Outback T-Bone steak (no thanks, I’ll stick with the ‘Salisbury’ version).

imagination-party

So here’s what changes on the Fake Cruise: Passengers who actually fit into their bathing suits and no “all you can eat” … that only encourages problem #1. Entertainment better than Elvis impersonators. We’re talking kick-ass DJ’s here people! No “Sweet Caroline”, “Tubthumper”, “Thong Song”, nor “Who Let the Dogs Out”. Play those even on your headphones and you’re tossed overboard!

Fake Moo’s: For the lactose intolerant, milk that actually tastes like milk without the runs. Don’t give us that soy, white colored water. ‘Nuff said.

soy

Fake Dues: Country Club access without the crazy ass monthly dues. You know those annoying bills that calculate your average round of golf to $799/round.

caddyshack4

Fake Lou’s: Fake Louis Vuitton bags on the street corner. Can’t afford the real thing? Work harder. Don’t devalue the authentic because your broke, dependent-on-handouts ass can’t afford it.

louis-fake

Fake Zoo’s: This is something everyone should be able to get behind regardless of political ideology: Zoo’s outfitted with mechanical animals so we can; 1) stop putting humans at risk handling animals outside of their natural habitat, 2) stop removing animals from their homies, 3) re-allocate strained tax dollars toward the myriad of human crises growing larger every day, and 4) eliminate the clichéd baby Panda stories every time Mei Xiang gets knocked up.

panda

There you have it… fun with Fake News Feminine Rhymes!

Dear White People

Well the timing for this seems about right.  Gasoline, say hello to Fire.  Comments section is sure to be interesting.

And for the record, we would like to add “bespectacled slutty librarian” to the mix of acceptable Halloween costumes.

#zIP: Cotton delivers a can of whup a*s

Haven’t seen a beat-down this bad since Clubber Lang took on a grief-stricken Rocky Balboa in their first bout.  Senator Chuck Schumer may want to pick his opponents a bit more judiciously:

And for that Senator Schumer, you are our #zIP of the day, finally taking on an opponent your own size and shrinking in the moment.

And for you Rocky fans, here is said beat down.  For the good of the country, we hope the over-matched Senator from NY can learn from this, lick his wounds, and realize that not every opponent is going to cower from his ‘tough’ tactics.