Tis the season for parties galore. The age-old office party with Stan from Accounting becoming Stan from “The Hangover”, the neighborhood party where you may as well just visit your closest neighbor as that’s the only person you talk to, and the granddaddy of them all – the extended family gift exchange party. Only that we don’t really exchange gifts all that much anymore since we barely know our families. Rather, we blindly draw from a hat who to shower some Christmas love upon via $50 Amazon gift card.
Oh the joy. Well, we here at primatomma aim to help you meander through this holiday merriment. Some pointers, covering both party-goers and party-throwers:
- If you throw a party, for the love of all that is sacred, PLEASE serve decent wine. Now we don’t expect Caymus or Opus One, but anything sub $10/bottle is just not acceptable. If you’re not a oenophile, fine; just ask the store what to buy. Unless you’re still in a fraternity, the hunk of cheese you buy for the app tray shouldn’t exceed the cost of the vino. (Note: Not sure if you’re guilty of said infraction? Count the number of half-filled glasses during your party post-mortem.)
- Put the phone away. You would think that we’re talking to teenagers, but cell phone creep is slipping into adulthood. If you’re staring down at your latest i-whatever, don’t blame us for not talking to you!
- Have a theme/purpose for getting together. Over the holidays, you’re in luck: Between football games, the aforementioned gift exchange, etc., you should have a baked-in reason for the gathering. Nothing worse than a ‘party’ where upon arrival, all you have is crappy wine and people staring at their phones. Have a reason for us to at least pretend to want to be together with some possible conversation topic other than “how’s work?”.
- If I’m serving you food, stay the hell out of my kitchen. That’s right, I invited you to serve your ass and make you happy. Just because you have the patent on gravy ingredients doesn’t mean mine is going to suck. Tip: If you want your gravy served, have your own damn party!
- Make sure everyone is properly introduced. What’s worse than attending a party where you only know the hosts and there’s no introduction to the rest? Hosts: make some introductions. Guests who know everyone: Get your face out of your phone and say hello, shake a hand, bow, or whatever shit you may do to make someone feel welcomed.
So there you have it. Quick summary for enjoyable parties: Decent wine – phones away – have a theme – stay out of my kitchen! – make introductions. Do these things and, voila, instant party success!
Almost forgot … you may be wondering, “Why the photo of Kim K along with a pastry at the top, primatomma?” Silly primaReader, you don’t recognize Santa’s famous greeting???
“HO – HO – HO!”
OK, this seriously needs to be addressed. What is the mindset behind owners of vanity license plates? We suggest a new definition for “1 Per Centers”: The number of vanity plates that are either 1) witty, or 2) understandable.
Exhibit 1: “Budees” … really??? primaPologies to any with sentimental ties to their intended message (likely their dead cat’s name). Methinks this dude is not rolling out to ‘da club anytime soon. And then doubling down with the Christmas wreath and flames??? This broseph is cruising straight to loserville.
Exhibit 2: Not to be outdone, check out this fine example of a plate that is sure to clearly convey the driver’s message while zipping along at 60 mph:
“UHOTM8″… what the f*%k?! OK, we’ll play along. I wondered if the operator’s identity would help to decipher the message? Speeding ahead, we observed a younger, ethnic male driver – millennial age for sure. So here we go:
- “You Hot Mate?” Perhaps our driver is looking for a new boyfriend?
- “You Hot Mate!” Our driver is passing along a compliment … but only to other dudes?
- “You Ho Tomate” No idea.
- “Uh Oh Team 8” Feeling of exasperation if Alex Ovechkin’s (#8) Washington Capitals go on a losing streak?
Feel free to add your best guess as we have no idea. But what we do know is this: Stay away from the vanity plates – if you’re not in the 1%, you’re going to be a ZIP for sure. And for the love of god, please don’t decorate your car with Christmas wreaths, reindeer antlers, flame decals, or … and you loyal primaReaders know whats next … FAMILY STICK FIGURES! If so, YOU ARE A ZIP!!!!
This has got to end … and quickly! Look, we get it; free agency in sports has caused all of our favorite gladiators to become ‘boys. Problem is this is happening both off and ON the field. Couple that with wussification rules across the board and it’s no wonder that we yearn for the battles of yesteryear.
Never again will we see the great Larry Bird and Dr. J throwing hands at each other or Chuck Bednarik standing over Frank Gifford saying “this fucking game is OVER” (and not coincidentally Mr. Kathy Lee’s playing career as well). Instead, we get the love-fest shown below. After a very hard hitting and emotional game last night, the Cowboy fans are treated to this???!! Look, primatomma realizes this is commonplace in soccer, but what’s next? Feigning injuries like futbol’s “warriors” so as to induce a red card? (Or is it green card? Having a hard time finding any soccer fans in the office).
After spending $100 on tickets, $50 on parking, and $200 on concessions, you’d think our vitriol for the enemy would be shared by those pocketing our cash. It’s not. So wise up and realize these guys are mostly making business decisions. The more they cozy up off the field the less likely they’ll be hammered on the field. And that sucks for all of us.
Zeke Elliott and OBJ, for continuing this annoying jersey swap trend, you two are now primatomma #ZIP award recipients.
Let’s face it, Christmas songs suck. (Editors note: Yes, we said Christmas. It’s not to say that we don’t respect your holiday, but we’re writing from a perspective of our experience, which is to say ‘Christmas’. Therefore, keep your sniveling to a minimum about what YOU celebrate. The point will be the same, OK? Now back to our regularly scheduled content.) When the most innovative song is a “Little Drummer Boy” duet between androgynous rocker David Bowie and crooner Bing Crosby … in 1977 … well, Houston, we have a problem.
Fear not primaFaithful, for we have the cure to your yuletide blues. Check out this melodic a cappella treatment of the 12 Days of Christmas from “Straight No Chaser” – just be sure to stay with it until halfway through where they make quite an unexpected transition:
Better yet are the kick-ass offerings of Trans-Siberian Orchestra. The primaStaff saw these animals perform a couple of years ago and whether you be of the Christian Christmas variety, atheist variety, garden variety, or just like hard rock bands that test the limits of the eardrum with mind blowing lasers, this show is a must-see:
primaRating. Congrats both Straight No Chaser and Trans-Siberian Orchestra, you both are primaAwesome: ppp
Louisville Women Basketball Coach Jeff Walz hit the nail on the head. Following the Lady Cardinals second loss in a row, he waxed poetic about the sorry state of our youth. It’s obvious that our mommies, daddies, teachers, and coaches haven’t learned the lessons of our millennial child rearing: We continue to produce legions of pussies.
To Coach Walz for telling it as it is, your primaRating: ppp
(Drops to pp if you lose 3 in a row!)
prima’s, it’s time to call BS on millennial coddling. Now primatomma has been resolute to avoid piling-on this much maligned group that has become easy fodder for lazy journalists producing trite, tired stories on our entitled young adults. You know, those who came to adulthood in the aughts who have never known the merits of hard work, self reliance, and responsibility? As children, they received participation trophies, merit badges, and were offered test “re-takes” whenever they dipped below their expected level of “excellence”. Now, they are marked by entitlement, cavalier attitudes about earning promotions, and slovenly appearance.
Enter “The Adulting School” … http://theadultingschool.com. A brilliant, if not ridiculous offering for our precious new adults who need some help with basic adult things. Really? Look, primatomma has no problem with co-founders Rachel Weinstein and Katie Brunelle; kudos to them for the idea and pocketing some greenbacks. Obviously that amount of initiative and ingenuity makes them the anti-millenial. But for the students??? Come on man!
Look, we get it. Your parents sucked because they were too busy screwing around with the neighbors, blowing lines, or pawning you off on your illegal immigrant nanny who was more interested in her daytime drama than teaching you how to make your own peanut butter and jelly. But aren’t you the tiniest bit embarrassed that you can’t learn this shit on your own?
Though not worth of a prima-rating, have a laugh by taking the “Adulting Quiz”: rachel432.typeform.com/to/tCDn6E. Then go check your car tire pressure when done. And be happy your not a #zip.