The summer is over primas, and we’re back and better than ever … pointing out everything you must experience as well as what you need avoid to make the most of this one-way ticket through life (apologies to the Scientologists – not really). What better way to shake off the haze of sabbatical than a kick-ass list of the crap we hate and what any God-fearing, red meat-eating, fitness-seeking, flag-loving, chest-thumping, sexual-healing prima should as well.
Without further adieu, here’s the damn list:
10. Dopes that don’t use turn signals. Trivial, maybe. Annoying as fuck? YES! Is the little stick to the left of your steering wheel THAT much of a trouble to flip up or down when you’re changing lanes or turning? Considering you’re the same idiot who is texting, putting on make-up, or reaching around for your car charger, I guess letting folks know that you’re about to possibly end their life is too much to expect. Guess what – you suck. Next time I’m sitting at a red light, waiting to turn right, looking to my left seeing you approach and I wait and wait assuming you’re going straight only to see your dumb ass turn thereby wasting my time, I will follow you to the high heavens, take a pic of your license plate, and post here so that every prima on the planet starts giving you the 1 finger salute.
9. Movie Trailers. Here’s the deal… can we leave something to be seen during the actual MOVIE?! Good God, every, and I mean EVERY good scene from any current movie is completely pimped out in the trailer. Maybe it’s always been that way, but dammit Hollywood, this ain’t the ’80s anymore where we only see a 30 second commercial for Platoon while watching the Cosby Show. (Side bar: that show would be a lot more interesting now.) Advice to the movie industry: Change your damn marketing or Reality TV it is!
8. People who don’t stay within the medium. This is very important, but am going to whisper this so you don’t feel the loser you are. So come closer to make sure you hear… closer… closer… almost here… just a smidge more: When someone emails you, answer them in email. If they call you, call them back. If they text you, answer via text. There’s almost nothing worse than texting someone – likely because you’re busy and can’t talk, or more likely, you don’t want to talk – and 20 seconds later your phone rings. I mean WTF?! Can’t you morons take a hint?
7. People who don’t answer the full email. Keeping with the spirit of #8, if you are engaged in an email conversation and are asked a series of questions, is it that hard to answer all of them? Or at least acknowledge those you don’t, that you’ll provide those answers later as you may not have the answers at the moment? Is there anything worse than having to ask questions multiple times because the lazy m-fer on the other side is too busy Snapping to answer a 2 f’ing question email?!
6. Cell Phone Nazis. You know the type, dominated by iPhone zombies. “YOU MUST BUY iPHONE, YOU MUST BUY iPHONE…” These people need a shot of penicillin. It’s like Steve Jobs has become L. Ron Hubbard. Forming an entire corp of blind loyalists who will do anything to recruit others to their oddball devotion to Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy that scares the shit out of Scientologists (we’re oddly infatuated by those lunatics). How about this cell phone Nazi’s: If my phone sucks for your purposes, maybe you’re not that important
to me? Burned!
5. Baseball managers wearing uniforms. Quaint, throwback to yesteryear, nostalgic … DONE WITH IT! There was a time when it was utilitarian; many eons ago, the managers were also players. That ended before baseball games were televised (sorry, don’t give me Pete Rose – that was only to help him cover the -1.5 spread). From a prima perspective, ENOUGH! Even though the portly Tommy Lasorda, Charlie Manual, and Bobby Cox have been replaced by the P90X generation of Robin Ventura, Brad Ausmus, and Paul Molitor, y’all look RIDICULOUS in those damn baseball pants. Can’t we move to athletic pants and golf shirts or something a bit more age/body appropriate? Or we propose:
4. People with no Sense of Urgency. You know them – the Sunday strolling, stop and smell the roses types. No time for you! The elderly or very young notwithstanding, if you are moving at a snail’s pace, be prepared to be run over. And most of you dolts LOVE to cruise in the left lane, going the speed limit. Nothing pisses primas off more than you clogging up the passing lane. Clue to you: When 50 cars blow by you on the right, it may be time to get out of the left.
3. Wine Specials. You’re at a restaurant that you don’t frequent often, and inevitably the server makes a suggestion from the Sommelier (even though you know they don’t have a Sommelier) for an amazing, difficult-to-find Bordeaux, on special for just $65. Little did you know that the “special” is not discounted down from $99, but rather inflated UP from $9.99. And it’s difficult to find because it’s on the bottom shelf at the wine store with all the other shit wines. Do yourself a favor, download the free Vivino app and look up said “special” right in front of the server. Then enjoy his/her face when you reveal the retail cost of the vinegar they’re trying to sell you. One of the primatomma staff’s favorite activities!
2. Hotel Internet Fees. Is this really anything other than a cash grab any longer? Isn’t it enough that you’re sticking me with a $50 valet fee and $10 bottles of water? Do us all a solid and just give us web access for ‘free’ … which is a misnomer as you’ll bake it into the nightly rate anyway. We’ll even play your game and “register” with our email address so you can spam the shit out of us with all of your special offers … which is a waste of time because we’re all booking through hotels.com or some other travel site anyway.
1. Toolsheds who Display Stick Figures on their Cars. Even though NO bumper sticker, window sticker, magnet, etc. are prima, the stick figures have got to be the all time WORST. OK, the first one or two were a little clever, but nobody cares how many effing kids you have. Or that you visit OBX or OC or IRL. And we certainly don’t give a rip if you ran the full 26.2 or 13.1 – you’re equally annoying. So please save us the aggravation of being forced to view your life through pictures as you drive 40mph in a 55 zone… IN THE LEFT DAMN LANE!
What say you, prima readers? Tell us what annoys you most and see if you can crack the top 10 in our next edition.