Divorce, No Remorse

So you know the age old saying “Happy Wife, Happy Life”?  Well we have a new one for you:  “Divorce, No Remorse”.  Let me explain.

Marriage

For every henpecked loser out there who kowtow’s to his/her spouse, there’s another who simply refuses to live out life under the weight of a one-way relationship.  Now let me be clear:  All marriages seemingly start with the best of intentions, and should be nurtured and developed into a partnership.  “Partnership” being the key word.  Far too often either the dynamic changes with one side taking full control over decisions, planning, etc. or the partnership never existed in the first place.

If I hear one more time from a married person that they can’t do this or that because “my spouse will kill me”… or that “I checked my testicles at the altar with ‘I do'”, I’m literally going to vomit in my mouth.

Let me throw out a novel concept for you lovebirds considering the sacred rite of matrimony.  Instead of thinking how much you love spending time with your boy toy or your prom queen, think about hanging-out minus the sex.  Is that still the person you just can’t wait to be with the rest of your life or are you just longing for orgasms that don’t involve your own hand?

Here’s the right approach … and listen up unless you want to pad the wallets of family law attorneys with your hard earned benjamins:  Pick your partner (emphasis on the word “partner” for if one of you is doing all the heavy lifting – financially, socially, emotionally, spiritually – without at least equal effort from the other, you’re doomed) based on the answer to one question:  Would I go to war with this person?  Because life is a war – make no mistake about it.

When negotiating your first house and you are clearly at a disadvantage, you are fighting a losing war; better have a partner who you can heal with after that battle vs. blaming for not contributing more.  When you have kids and they are playing one of you against the other, you better be ‘brothers in arms’ and not succumb to the urchins by throwing your comrade under the bus by allowing that extra ice cream when your partner said “absolutely not” … that’s treason.  And for those of you who plan the perfectly reasonable position of not having children, get ready for the PR attack from jealous parents who what you to join their misery – that may be the truest test of your resolve to each other.

Bottom line is this:  The family may be the backbone of America, but if that family is built on a foundation of sand, America is fucked.  Best advice is making sure you’re rock solid when you start.  And if you’re not, cut bait, lick your wounds, and find that partner who you would never leave behind.

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“Pour me Some Wine” … Give Me a Break

Pour Me Some Wine So I’m watching one of the morning news shows, which anymore is a morphing of Entertainment Tonight and an iMovie shot by my 15 year old, and I’m introduced to two fairly nice women, the authors of “Pour Me Some Wine”, Leah Speer and Katrina Epp.  Here’s where the niceties end.

The 5 minute segment  consisted of non-stop bitching about “how hard it is to be a mom”, and how they need a daily escape to get through the travails of raising children.  But there’s more:  Not only do they need such an escape to get through the unbearable misery of leg-tugging, nap times, feedings, etc., they also just cannot bear the thought of the same tomorrow.  The horror of having to be awaken by the tiny urchins who can’t sleep, etc. Eff that, its WINE TIME!  God knows that its much better to be woken in the wee hours with a hangover than it is sober.

Give me an effing break!  These women – and those of their ilk – act as if the Immaculate Conception was bestowed upon them as they magically awoke with child, like it or not.  How about this:  If you like the ability to sleep in, pound your vino, stay up late watching your cherished Netflix, DON’T HAVE A KID!  Or worst yet, MULTIPLE KIDS!

This phenomenon comes as no surprise … it’s emblematic of our “not my fault” society.  And/Or the “look at me and how tough my life is” society.  This shit is out of control.  The same broads who can’t stand missing a “Real Housewives” episode, what with their “own it girl!” manifestos can’t bear the same in their own lives.

This is not to say that motherhood is not challenging.  It is.  And prima-props to those of you who wake every day, take care of your kids, go to work or manage your home, help with homework, etc. … all with a smile on your face, forced or true.  YOU are truly amazing women, those that we are all proud to call “Mom”, “Wife”, “Step-Mom” and “Friend”.

So all you non-prima broads out there, listen up:  Many women chose expressly NOT to have children so as to maintain their idea of life quality.  Those of you who did – and enjoy the gift of unconditional love that children offer – please spare us with your bitching and moaning of “how hard mommihood is” and your life ambition to become a “mommoisseur”.  prima-women don’t bitch and moan about the decisions they’ve made.  And they certainly have no time for you self-serving, “whoa is me”, “I need a break” lemmings slowing down our Netflix streaming!

Happy Mothers Day to all of you prima-Moms and Step-Moms out there!