How Christian McCaffrey Helps Solve Immigration Reform

C-Mac

Unless you live under a rock, you know that the annual NFL bacchanal (otherwise known as the NFL Draft) has finally arrived.  And atop the Rocky steps in the City of Brotherly Love no less!  A sure first round pick is the RB/WR/KR extraordinaire from Stanford, Christian McCaffrey.  Now nothing is really a sure thing in the draft, as nice and shiny as the players look in the showroom, there’s always some warts; McCaffrey is no different.  See, prior to the draft, there’s an annual cattle call (i.e. “Combine”) where most of the prospective draftees are poked, prodded, questioned, and tested to supply additional data points beyond the hours of tape from their college careers.  Unfortunately for C-Mac (claiming primaCredit here … have yet to hear that nickname!), he flat out sucked on the bench press test.

Even though the dude is an athletic freak, laying flat on his back and pressing 225 lbs. as many times as he can is not one of his more accomplished feats.  He pressed that weight a paltry 10 times compared to others at his position who mostly reached the 18-30 rep mark.  (This morning, we put primatomma80 to the test.  After a 4 day golf bender, our man still repped out 13.5!  He’s too modest to admit so he recused himself from contributing to today’s missive).  Nobody’s suggesting that prima is now ranked higher than C-Mac on the NFL draft boards. Reams of other data predicting C-Mac’s NFL success is unfortunately light years ahead of our esteemed colleague.

NFL draft decision-makers will undoubtedly select C-Mac with the 8th pick tonight, currently held by the Carolina Panthers.  And the reason is COMPROMISE.  That’s right, they’re willing to compromise the lack of performance on the bench press in lieu of his accomplishments on the field, his intelligence, and all of the other physical measurables such as 40 time and vertical.

If only the nudnicks in Washington could understand the “C” word.  We are a country of amazing resources and extremely varied backgrounds.  We certainly could come up with workable solutions for our most vexing problems if only each side could push away from their entrenched, ideological positions of ALWAYS fully disagreeing with the other side.  So borrowing from the C-Mac example, here’s how we handle immigration reform.

First, some givens:

  • R’s want to build a wall to keep out illegals, guns, drugs:  Reasonable
  • D’s don’t want to build a wall because of cost and offending our southern neighbors: Reasonable on the cost disagreement, Not Reasonable on avoiding offending our neighbors while our country suffers
  • R’s want to rid the country of illegal immigrants, focusing on those who have committed crimes:  Reasonable
  • D’s don’t want to deport illegals, even criminals as it likely will seep into ALL illegals, many of whom risked life and limb to get here, likely did not have the financial means or knowledge to navigate the legal immigration process, have become contributing members of society, and have families who were either born in the US or have assimilated into their communities.  Uprooting these folks would cause major issues of splitting families, etc.:  Reasonable

Here’s the compromise that nearly satisfies all, not fully, but to a degree that all sides should be able to live with:

  • Build the wall.
  • How do we pay?  Ted Cruz’s “El Chapo” act seems to be a pretty good idea.  In essence, we use money forfeited from the criminal prosecution of drug lords … a dollar amount in the neighborhood of $14BB.  That should give us a pretty nice down-payment!
  • Continue to focus on deporting criminals here illegally, but with a guarantee that it stops there.
  • Once wall is complete, offer clemency and a path to citizenship for illegals for a 90 day period.  If you can’t prove steps have been taken to become citizens during that 90 day period and your swept up, you’re out.  Hey, we tried … and if you’re found after this time, you more than likely arrived after these efforts have been in effect and the buck must stop somewhere.

There you go, a nice C-Mac compromise that most assuredly will never happen.

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“It’s the most wonderful time, of the year…”

march-madness-bracket-640_0

Yo prima’s, it’s that time again.  THE day on the sports calendar that trumps all others. The opening day of March Madness.  Now the tournament itself is hands down the greatest sporting event of the year, but nothing matches the excitement, the heartbreak, the last second buzzer beaters quite like the first day.  And we are a mere 17 hours away from the opening tip!  Be still, my beating heart!!!!

So that got the creative juices flowing here at the primaOffice; everyone coming forth with ideas of “what else is the greatest in their category”?  That said, we present you with a bunch of other really cool shit:

Personal Hygiene:  Why does nether-region hygiene issues always default to the ladies?  Guys, Freshballsit’s time to look in the mirror and clean up your act!  When you’re questioning time and time again why the bloom fell off the rose with your significant other, it’s likely due to your disgusting odor.  Clean yourself up with Fresh Balls and rekindle your romance.

 

 

 

 

Beach Coolers:  This thing is all it’s cracked up to be and more.  The “Coolest Cooler” is the most studly cooler imaginable.  Here’s the features:The-coolest-resize-wiki-3872-x-2592-wip

  • Blender
  • LED Lights
  • Bluetooth Speaker
  • Magnetized Bottle Opener/Corkscrew
  • USB Charger
  • Rubberized Wheels
  • Cutting Board

 

Even John Candy in Summer Rental would look prima with this bad boy!

Recreational Vehicles:  Stay with me here.  The Segway X2 with off-road tires are in fact KICK-ASS!  Here’s thesegway_i2xe_lrg deal though … no helmets.  You have to be prima to pull it off; if not, you become Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  But if you have the goods to represent, what’s cooler than cruising around on an all-terrain Segway (cup holder recommended for your tall boy), mid party, challenging all comers with a time trial???!!!  But know your limits; misfire on this one and it’s on you!

 

 

 

 

 

Medical Treatment:  This is truly the greatest thing since sliced bread – IV Hydration Therapy.  This directly from the website of Hydrate Medical (which has been sampled by a few staff members):  “An epic night can require onhydrate medicale epic recovery. Revitalize and recover quickly with this serious energy boosting, symptom eliminating, detoxifying drip. Filled with antioxidants and stacked with the medications to alleviate symptoms, you will be feeling great.”

Nothing truer has EVER been written.  Not only does it “make you feel great” it makes you king of the world where a 5 hour car ride tempts you to turn right around and make it a 10.  Just ‘cuz.

Golf Caddy:  We get it, hard to argue anything cool about golf.  Ah, but that may have just changed with the “GolfBoard“.  You now have the ability to knock out 6 hours of your day, vacillating from rage to euphoria (your two pars), all without nary a sweat.  Golf cart you say?  No way!  You’re surfing the linklaird.boards with this part golf cart/part surfboard/part skateboard – GolfBoard.  And best part is that you aren’t stuck talking with some jamoke that you get paired up with to make your threesome a foursome while your two
buddies yuck it up all the way to the 19th hole!

 

 

 

 

Air Travel:  ANY airline in South/Central America!  Safety concerns aside, all you need to know is the employment of stewardesses who can meander the aisle without drilling your knee that’s sticking out 3/4″ into the aisle.  But better yet, they’re actually NICE TO YOU!  Novel, we know.  But there’s even more… and have saved the best for last.  FREE beverage service that’s pulled from carts stocked with BOOZE!  Yep, and top shelf at that.  We about fell out of our seats upon learning.  And even better, they go up and back, up and back offering refills!  Now we realize this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but c’mon man, it’s the small things in life that matter!

South America Beverage Cart

(Editor’s Note:  We apologize for the 1960’s image, but honestly, it was much more prima then compared to the soft-serve lifestyle we’re expected to live now!  See Draper, Don).

Three ppp’s for all of these!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#zip … Miami Edition

Dateline:  March, 2017; South Beach, Miami

Sitting on one of the world’s best beaches, witnessing a #zip was the last thing on my mind.  Witnessing amazing views – both on the water and out – was the expectation.  Who would have thought that such views AND a #zip would be possible???

Miami’s ‘tops-optional’ beaches are a national treasure.  Those who bare all are largely prima-caliber.  True to form, the lass below started out SO promising.  But she couldn’t stick to just looking hot … she had to tempt fate by acting a fool.  (Not to be confused with the popular TNT hoops segment, “Shaqtin’ a Fool”; can’t resist linking to the amazing run of Javale McGee ribs here.  Just be sure to come back to primatomma when done.)

It started out as an innocent photo shoot.  You know, the kind where the boyfriend is acting the photographer and his girl strikes various poses, playing along with the skit.  Most times it’s an innocent 30 seconds of glamming for the lens.  But not with our aspiring super model below.  This vixen proceeds to twist and turn for 25 minutes in front of a beach of ogling spectators.  Now I know what you’re thinking; “prima, isn’t that the sort of thing that enhances an otherwise sedentary day looking out at nothingness?”

When a smoke-show spends 25 minutes in seductive poses practically naked on the beach, that’s a good thing.  When she then spends the next 45 minutes buried under a towel to review the 200 pictures she took, certainly editing along the way, she’s a Zero in Public.  This exhibit of self aggrandizement and narcissism was beyond comical.  Her poor Euro-boyfriend … he of the banana hammock swimsuit and dental floss arms.

Sorry hotness, but welcome to #zipville.

zip_miami

#FakeNews & Feminine Rhymes

No surprise that “Fake News” is all the rage these days. With our President citing it as public enemy #1 and outlets such as CNN emboldening that claim daily, it’s high time we consider some near homonymic alternatives.

We present you with Fake News Feminine Rhymes (look it up!):

Fake Booze: So this is ‘1A’ in primaWorld… libations that taste and experience all of the fun of boozy nights sans hangover. This invention is sure to be added to the Mt. Rushmore of insanely great discoveries of the modern world.

belushi

Fake Boobs: Need we say more? Lovely in every way.

pamela18

Fake Cruise: Stay with me here. Let’s first agree that cruises are the all-time worst way to vacation. Locked into a 2×4 tuna-can stateroom, your days spent at over-crowded pools with overweight people (evidently no salads on these ships), and bars stocked with glorified Slurpees passed off as frozen margaritas. Nights are marginally better – ‘All You Can Eat’ dinners with a $20 surcharge for the upgraded Outback T-Bone steak (no thanks, I’ll stick with the ‘Salisbury’ version).

imagination-party

So here’s what changes on the Fake Cruise: Passengers who actually fit into their bathing suits and no “all you can eat” … that only encourages problem #1. Entertainment better than Elvis impersonators. We’re talking kick-ass DJ’s here people! No “Sweet Caroline”, “Tubthumper”, “Thong Song”, nor “Who Let the Dogs Out”. Play those even on your headphones and you’re tossed overboard!

Fake Moo’s: For the lactose intolerant, milk that actually tastes like milk without the runs. Don’t give us that soy, white colored water. ‘Nuff said.

soy

Fake Dues: Country Club access without the crazy ass monthly dues. You know those annoying bills that calculate your average round of golf to $799/round.

caddyshack4

Fake Lou’s: Fake Louis Vuitton bags on the street corner. Can’t afford the real thing? Work harder. Don’t devalue the authentic because your broke, dependent-on-handouts ass can’t afford it.

louis-fake

Fake Zoo’s: This is something everyone should be able to get behind regardless of political ideology: Zoo’s outfitted with mechanical animals so we can; 1) stop putting humans at risk handling animals outside of their natural habitat, 2) stop removing animals from their homies, 3) re-allocate strained tax dollars toward the myriad of human crises growing larger every day, and 4) eliminate the clichéd baby Panda stories every time Mei Xiang gets knocked up.

panda

There you have it… fun with Fake News Feminine Rhymes!

Dear White People

Well the timing for this seems about right.  Gasoline, say hello to Fire.  Comments section is sure to be interesting.

And for the record, we would like to add “bespectacled slutty librarian” to the mix of acceptable Halloween costumes.

#zIP: Cotton delivers a can of whup a*s

Haven’t seen a beat-down this bad since Clubber Lang took on a grief-stricken Rocky Balboa in their first bout.  Senator Chuck Schumer may want to pick his opponents a bit more judiciously:

And for that Senator Schumer, you are our #zIP of the day, finally taking on an opponent your own size and shrinking in the moment.

And for you Rocky fans, here is said beat down.  For the good of the country, we hope the over-matched Senator from NY can learn from this, lick his wounds, and realize that not every opponent is going to cower from his ‘tough’ tactics.

 

 

#pipiLeaks: Rage on a Plane

Who would have thought this would happen so quickly?  Must be something about political dissent on airplanes.  By now you’ve seen the miserable woman spew hatred on her Trump supporter row-mate (an odd assumption, considering his only admission of his purpose for being in DC was to “… to celebrate democracy ma’am”.)   

170123-airplane-lady-kick-off-index1

As easy as this one seems, your dedicated primaStaff approached this version of Snakes on a Plane a bit differently, for the esteemed #pipiLeaks prize does not award easily.  Far be it to hand it to this wonderfully kind woman engaging in small chit-chat during the airline safety briefing.  No, today’s award goes to … HER HUSBAND!

Upon initial viewing, all focus lies on the unprovoked ranting of a stone cold shrew.  But it takes a keen primaMind to look under the surface.  Mr. Cuck is by far the biggest story here.  We assume the years of brow beating by his ray of sunshine wife has finally taken it’s toll, to the point where he simply has had enough and has given up… as evidenced by his reaction in this alternate video that has since surfaced:

This episode is clearly not the first of it’s kind.  To sit by so placidly and dejectedly is an affront to manhood and womanhood alike.  And for that Sir Cuck, you are hereby awarded the 2nd ever recipient of the heralded #pipiLeaks award.  Wear it with honor.

 

 

NFL Conference Championship Sunday – primaPicks

And we finally arrive at one of the great sporting days on the calendar; NFL Conference Championship Sunday.  And what’s a great sport day without the magic of the point spread, the over/under, the parlay, and the cherry-on-top, the 6 point tease???!!! Yes boys and girls, it’s time for primaPicks – our service to help you bulk up that bankroll for the Super Bowl and then the merriment of March Madness.

nfl-conference-championship-predictions

Here we go:

The Steelers cover but may not win but take the 6. No Gronk, Ben is way better than Landry Jones (who the Pats only beat 27-16 … which also adds to the revenge factor), and with the Steelers 3 headed offensive monster, we can see the Pats winning by a FG but not much more.  And who doesn’t love rooting against the Brady/Belichick evil empire?  I know, half of the Steelers had the flu this week, some South Sider pulled their hotel fire alarm last night leading to evacuation, and everyone has seen the Antonio Brown Facebook Live feed where Coach Tomlin called the Patriots a bunch of “a-holes”.  So of course is makes sense to pick the Steelers!

 
Next, the Falcons -5.5 is the obvious and easy play; don’t overthink this.  Falcons barely beat the Pack 33-32 in Atlanta earlier this season where the Pack were completely healthy. Much different this time:  Green Bay has three receivers listed as questionable, two of whom are starters Jordy Nelson and Davante Adams. Nelson is recovering from broken ribs while Adams has an ankle injury.  No way the Falcons don’t win by a TD+.
This is going to be a shocker to those who have cashed with primaPicks all season, but we LOVE both unders.  The under is 6-0 in the Patriots last 6 conference championship games. The Steelers have gone under in 16 of last 22 games.

Regarding the Falcons/Packers tilt, everyone and their brother are taking the over, driving it up to 61 at some books. Whenever action is that heavy, the opposite tends to hit.  Dedicated reader, primaRapper asked, “didn’t you see that Vegas took a bath the last two weekends?” That they did, but Vegas was built by blind sheep following each other to the slaughter; the fact that sports books got burnt two weeks in a row – in a big way – makes this under the play of the day.  Even though both defenses sort of blow, this game gets to the low/mid 50s but certainly not the 60s as a defensive stop or two at the end seals it for the Falcons and keeps it under 60.

Put these babies in with your favorite service, fix a fat bloody mary, and enjoy some fat winners!

It’s finally here … #pipiLeaks

It’s finally here.  After months in the new product incubator, at the secret primatomma headquarter location, our newest feature is finally ready for public view.  Before the official unveiling, a note on further primaEnhancements:  Soon, your beloved site will see a complete functional redo.  Your favorite original content will continue to be our hallmark, calling out morons vs. role-models, sports heroes vs. goats, political triumphs vs. failures, fashion trends vs. “what are those?!”, musical genius vs. guitar hero wannabes…   Next, contributor feeds will factor prominently as we continue our work to enlighten you, our primaAudience, to the coolness that is your destiny.

Now for our newest feature; may we introduce you to #pipiLeaks.  What is it you may ask?  Well, pretty simple.  In the formation of an embryo, it takes two to tango.  And without getting too graphic, #pipiLeaks refers to the formation of such life by a mere trickle contribution from the male participant in the act.  For it’s the only logical explanation how that life can grow into such loser-ville.  Now this is not your garden variety toolshed who does something dopey that requires our outing … our #zIP protocol is ready and awaiting them. #pipiLeaks is more “Lifetime Achievement Award”, brought on by an action so deplorable that public shaming is not only warranted but justified.

lasner-ivanka-goldstein

Without further adieu, we announce the inaugural recipients of the not-so-coveted #pipiLeaks award to that power couple of power couples, Matthew Lasner and Dan Goldstein.  You know the story, Ivanka Trump decides to fly commercial along with her husband and three small children.  While boarding, these two rough and tumblers decide to excoriate Ivanka – in front of her children – for the perceived sins of her father. Regardless of your political leanings, this is about as pussified a move as possible.  The same would be said should Chelsea Clinton suffer a similar indignity.  Our only wish was being able to encounter these husbands on said flight.  Methinks the reaction would have been a tad less classy than Ivanka and family portrayed.

Now we realize these tool-sheds are easy pickings, but this is after all the standard bearer for #pipiLeaks.  And what better way to kick-off than with obvious political ideologues – a professor from Hunter College and a Brooklyn employment attorney.  Far be it for us to critique anyone’s political pronouncements but there’s a time and a place.  And when you step out of line, the tireless staff at primatomma will be there to bring your antics to light.

Lastly, we’d be remiss to not thank Fox News contributor Jesse Watters for calling out these ass-hats who are sure to be lauded as bastions of political disagreement by some deranged segment of our population.  Well done Mr. Watters … you are a primaJournalist!  Enjoy the video:

http://www.video.foxnews.com/v/5274397539001

 

 

 

 

 

Holiday Party F*&^-ups

 

Tis the season for parties galore.  The age-old office party with Stan from Accounting becoming Stan from “The Hangover”, the neighborhood party where you may as well just visit your closest neighbor as that’s the only person you talk to, and the granddaddy of them all – the extended family gift exchange party.  Only that we don’t really exchange gifts all that much anymore since we barely know our families.   Rather, we blindly draw from a hat who to shower some Christmas love upon via $50 Amazon gift card.

Oh the joy.  Well, we here at primatomma aim to help you meander through this holiday merriment.  Some pointers, covering both party-goers and party-throwers:

  • If you throw a party, for the love of all that is sacred, PLEASE serve decent wine.  Now we don’t expect Caymus or Opus One, but anything sub $10/bottle is just not acceptable.  If you’re not a oenophile, fine; just ask the store what to buy.  Unless you’re still in a fraternity, the hunk of cheese you buy for the app tray shouldn’t exceed the cost of the vino.  (Note:  Not sure if you’re guilty of said infraction?  Count the number of half-filled glasses during your party post-mortem.)
  • Put the phone away.  You would think that we’re talking to teenagers, but cell phone creep is slipping into adulthood.  If you’re staring down at your latest i-whatever, don’t blame us for not talking to you!
  • Have a theme/purpose for getting together.  Over the holidays, you’re in luck:  Between football games, the aforementioned gift exchange, etc., you should have a baked-in reason for the gathering.  Nothing worse than a ‘party’ where upon arrival, all you have is crappy wine and people staring at their phones.  Have a reason for us to at least pretend to want to be together with some possible conversation topic other than “how’s work?”.
  • If I’m serving you food, stay the hell out of my kitchen.  That’s right, I invited you to serve your ass and make you happy.  Just because you have the patent on gravy ingredients doesn’t mean mine is going to suck.  Tip: If you want your gravy served, have your own damn party!
  • Make sure everyone is properly introduced.  What’s worse than attending a party where you only know the hosts and there’s no introduction to the rest?  Hosts:  make some introductions.  Guests who know everyone:  Get your face out of your phone and say hello, shake a hand, bow, or whatever shit you may do to make someone feel welcomed.

So there you have it.  Quick summary for enjoyable parties:  Decent wine –  phones away – have a theme – stay out of my kitchen! – make introductions.  Do these things and, voila, instant party success!

Almost forgot … you may be wondering, “Why the photo of Kim K along with a pastry at the top, primatomma?”  Silly primaReader, you don’t recognize Santa’s famous greeting???

“HO – HO – HO!”